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rumrunner2 
5:47pm, December 11, 2008
here is sit at work, and my damn mind is racing with touthts about the divorce again. i always do this, talk myself out of what i know is best.
i am not backing from this descision. i have to keep replyaing in my head what the last 12 years have been like. all the promisses that were made, the changes we were going to make, but never did.
i have to remember the arguments, the tension just being in her presence.
i know there is more to it than this, but for now, i must remember those things that i want better in my life, things in her i cant change, but can change in myself. things that will be easier to change in myself with some solitude.
if anyone is reading this, please give me encouragement, and i am out of excuses for this divorce and i have to do it, it is now or never
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found this new organic/vegan rest. down the street from me. went in for a vegie burger and some kimchi rice, delicious!
actually ate in by myself, stress free, not worrying about someone asking me if i am having a good time with her, if i like her, etc.....
im gonna start trying to pick healthier alternatives when i go out to eat, this place is new and has a HUGE menu, so i know i will be back.
now off to the shower then to watch a little TV before retiring early tonight for a busy day tommorrow.
sounds bad, but really cant wait till i have my own place and i dont have to worry about someone coming home and harping on me for something.....she is out to dinner with a friend, if she comes home drunk/buzzed i know i will be leaving again tonight, i dont want to, but it is whats best, yolu cant talk to her period, let alone when she has been drinking.
about 8 more days till i move out....tick tock, tick tock
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Great for the wonderful meal! hang in there!
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Yea, eating healthy it can start when you say it starts Rummy Be good to yourself
well, this is more for me, something i can come back and read over the months when things get really shitty, and i know they will
i have made the big decision to end my marriage. it had to be done, it was a long time coming. i have come to realize i can only change myself, i can want a person to change, but they have to want it theirself, nothing i say or do can make things different.
i know i have to prepare myself for the emotional abuse from my wife, it is coming. how i did her wrong, i never gave her a chacne, she is not this bad person i think she is, what does she need to do to keep me around......all the typical head games i have dealt with for 12+ years.
today it ends, i begin a journey of me, focusing on myself, trying to figure out where and what i am going and oding in my life....what do i want out of life. i know i do not want what is in my past, nights and days filled with binges, the sickness of hating myself and others.
the miseralbe insevure, no direction to where im going starts its bitter sweet ending today.
my first goal is to find a modest studio apartemnt, one that is in a safe area, close to my business and affordable. one that will help me crawl out of this mountain of debt.
i am taking all the debt with me just to keep peace, its only money. i am also leaving her with all the furniture everything I bought.
for some reason this really pisses me off. she is never there to lend me a helping hand over all the years i have worked to get us nice things, travel us to nice places, send her on european trips, etc.....
i am trying to rid myself of resentment, what is done is done, i cant make her be someone she is not. i know she is a self centered narrcitisic bitter young lady, and i chose her, so this is what i have......i can only move forward and wish her the best while knowcing she is not wishing me anything but pain.
to close out, i need strength and hope. while im not too big on religion, i am asking god to guide me in the right direction.......i really think he is doing his work as i trype this.....this BIG step for me is one in the right direction, it may not feel like it right now, but it is......and i will soon see the light
peace out
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Ok, first off I work in the field of divorces, I try not to find encouragement in telling people to divorce, but RR you know what's best - you either know it' the right thing to do, or it's not. I will be honest, from what you've shared with us here on DS - i am sad to say that yes the two of you appear to be a deadly combination, but on the other hadn - SEPARATION doesn't necessarily mean divorce. I like the fact that you are gonna living separately as you work on yourself. i think that as you begin to work on yourself, you can make healthy and clearer decisions about your life - obviously if she is not working on her issues it will 1 person traveling down a 2 way street - but i still think the time apart is good adn that you need to focus more on you than "yall" at this time. I am not familiar with what the separation laws are in your state, but it might not be a bad idea to seek some legal counsel on that part evne if it's just a consultation - then take a break a from her and focus on you - that's not a selfish way to think, it's the only way to think when you are starting this process. If you want the divorce, then do it - get it done - and over with - no matter how bad we want it - it's still a miserable process, but if you need to close chapters in yoru life, then do so - we can't encourage you to divorce, we can only support your decision as you are the only one who knows what it is that you need to do. i will be honest, I think i am one of the few in this situation, but my divorce date is one of the 3 happiest days of my life, the other dates are the birth of my children - but for many - no matter how bad they wnat it's still hard. I've seen some couples survive the sobriety journey and i've seen others crumble from it - but no matter what - the decision to divorce can only be yours -
Peace.
Carebear64
thanks CB. We have been separated twice. I would be more comforatable with a separation at first, but no contact. We were pretty much seeing eachother weekly when we were separated and I was giving her $300 a month.
We need to both be independent on ourself and I really want no contact with her. If she can not agree to this, then I will go the dissolution route.
this is just one big mess, here i sit stuffing my face again with aniexty, debating on going to the bar, i think, hell, if i drink it is less calories than eating, but i know in the end, i will drink, then tonight about 8-9pm a large pizza will sound good and i will devour that.
alone with the sweats, aniexty, dehydration, i know that is not the answer, but it seems like a good alternative at times.
i just wish i could go home and relax right now, but i cant, she is there and she just wont let me be. she wants to to tell her all the right things, but i have nothing to tell her. i cant say the right things, i cant always do the right things.
i just want to be left alone, i have put in 12 hours today, but now i have to go drive around and find something to do till 6-7pm tnoight, 3-4 hours from now till i can go home and hopefully she will be on the computer.
i really dont feel like being around her, how she wants to spend time with me is unreal. she sickens me right now, i need space
rumrunner2
well you will soon have your own place and these worries won't be there. Drinking is not a solution, only a band-aid for the moment - you mentioned that park, go take a walk - withdrawal is NO fun
Carebear64
You're right....thanks
rumrunner2
There's a saying that I've heard a few times at AA meetings......might be something you can relate to.......
"There is no situation in life so bad that drinking cannot make it worse."
eastwester
Agree
rumrunner2