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Mary80 
2:00pm Tuesday
It's been a while since I wrote....mostly because I've been too tired or just too apathetic to write. Also there's the fact that there's nothing really going on. Somehow, I have the weekend off, so I've been downloading music and playing World of Warcraft and watching movies between naps. There's also been the whole thing of listening to WW2 outside because fireworks are legal in Florida and my neighborhood loves anything that goes boom and makes with the shiny. *shrugs*
I've been finding myself having a harder time concentrating on things, I really have to work at it. I don't know if that's the fibro or just the medications or my sleeping patterns. Maybe I'm just getting old. Sleep has been something strange...either I'm tired or I'm wired...the other day...Wednesday....I managed to be awake for over 36 hours. Of course I crashed hard on Thursday. *shrugs* The medication, gabapentin, which I'm supposed to triple come Monday seems bent on making me tired.
As for work...it's the same old stuff. My manager seems to go out of her way to ask how I'm feeling or how I'm doing...maybe she realizes that I am trying. *shrugs* She's a good kid, honestly...but maybe that's just how I feel right now. Depending on the situation, I think "Oh, they aren't so bad." or "Geez, what a Nazi douchebag!" Is that being bipolar? I've just tried to stay quiet, stay positive and stay busy. Things have been really quiet so I'm worried about them cutting more hours...that could lead to me losing my insurance. The biggest issue I have right now is some of the managers treating me like a child...like I don't know how to stock or whatever. I've been there almost 6 years. I know my job. And NO ONE is going to do everything perfect. I've seen them all make mistakes. It just feels like I'm the only on who gets called on the carpet about it.
As for my pain, somehow it's been pretty good the last couple weeks. It's still there, but it's not overwhelming or anything. My hands hurt mostly in the morning...they are very stiff and swollen...by the end of the work day, my hips and legs hurt a bit...but I did manage to walk halfway home both Monday and yesterday...and I'm not stuck in bed with pain, so that's good. I've been getting headaches, but that's normal. *shrugs*
Oh! I've been "off" soda/caffiene for about two weeks. I say it that way because I still have one once in a while....but not every day and I try not to have more than one in a day. I haven't really felt any different besides my stomach feeling better, but that could also be the pantoprazole I've been on.
Emotionally....I've been ok I guess. Depressed, but nothing too overwhelming. Thinking about Eddie alot, as always. Thinking about my situation and how much it sucks. Feeling lonely. And then I just feel bitter and angry toward other people....like people older than me who still have their parents....why do they get to have parents and I lost mine by 19? Why did I not have the chance to do mother daughter things? Who would I have been if my mom hadn't been a drunk? And I see these kids with their boyfriends or girlfriends and it seems to be such a mystery to me...I'm on a dating site...and I'll be damned if I get any replies from anyone I might message, which isn't many. I guess I just aim too high. Plus...once they get to know me, why would they want to be with me? I wouldn't.
