kdshelle's Journal

I would wish for 1) a mother and father who gave a crap about my life and what's going on in it 2) to learn to manage my mental health challenges more effeciently, and 3) to feel alive and energetic.

I realize that these wishes can come true, for the most part.  1) Of course, I can't control my parents, but I could learn how to deal with them and communicate in a way that can help heal our relationship.  Whatever happens, I can learn to manage my own reactions and feelings towards them.  I think what I wanted, even needed, growing up, was a responsible adult who could provide me with structure (so I could have excelled in school, music and extracurricular activities), encouragement and support (by showing up, taking interest, joining in the fun), discipline (in a healthy way, which would have enabled me to continue making good choices and not feel guilty for every little bad decision), taught me to cook (and ate dinner with me), among many other things.  I can't help but miss what I didn't have, and I cling on to every little good memory I have of my childhood.   I had to basically be psuedo-mom for my younger brothers when my mom returned to work when I was 12.  I wasn't the best psuedo-mom ever, and my one little brother was pretty physically aggressive.  I am blessed to have two women in my life who are truly mentors, and who give me that motherly attention I never really had when I was little or lack from my parents now.  For some reason, my mom affects me way more than my dad.  She is making little steps now, but she's in the beginning stages of separation/divorce from my father and wrapped up in confusion and regret about her sexual identity. 

Enough about that.

2) Weird as it may sound, my mental illness is a part of me and I don't want to change the past or make it go away.  I wouldn't be where I am, at the job I'm in (and love), the therapist I'm seeing, the supports I've gained, and the true friends who have stuck around even through all of my darkest times.  My husband is learning to be supportive and understanding, and we are close and work together in a way that we wouldn't have been able to if we didn't have to deal with this as a team.  My perspective on life is unique, I have the ability to discern people like few others can, and it's afforded me many other things that tie into my spirituality and my spiritual gifts.  However, I want to be in control of my illness.  I don't want it to control me anymore.  I want it to be a part of me, not be my identity.  And a lot of that is going to depend of me, and what I choose.  No one else has that power to define me and be my identity but me.  So I have a lot to learn and a lot of changes to make.  It's going to be difficult and I'm going to need to rally my allies.  But I really believe there are people who will come through and be strong (even when I'm not), keep me accountable to the changes I'm making, be my cheerleaders, and just generally care.  And in return, I'll be able to grow in my ability to love and truly take care of others' needs.  I am going to be able to give to them, as well.

Yay for not being in denial.  Hope for the willingness to take the leap.

3) I am always tired.  I am always lethargic.  I lack energy.  I feel poopy.  It's very difficult to get up, get motivated, get to work on time!  My brain is foggy.  My memory is poor.  My judgement is sometimes lacking.  I don't feel like I accomplish enough (there's so much to do, all of the time) and have trouble dividing tasks.  A lot of this has to do with diet.  I'm a compulsive overeater and I'm not very good at making good food choices.  I always give in to the tempation.  I never stop my self.  And sometimes I do it to punish myself.  I also need to exercise, instead of doing things that lead to eating on the run, such as shopping or skipping meals.  Another part of my tiredness is my medications.  They make me sleepy.

 So, here's to wishes that can come true.