kdshelle's Journal

Wow, I don't get on here as much as I should.  Daily venting would help so much!  Lots of updating.

A few fairly large changes are happening in my life.  I am moving out of the apartment I rent from my grandparents into an apartment closer to work.  I am sensing some tension between my grandparents, Uncle Kevin against Steve and myself.  So I want out of here to avoid a conflict!  This move is affecting me in strange ways, I guess.  I am excited, really excited.  It's OUR first place, and I am looking forward to the freedom.  It's closer to my friends and mentor, 20 minutes closer to both of our work places, only five minutes away from the ministry I volunteer with, 10 minutes from the city, and closer to shopping places!  So it's a good move, one that will give me a lot of extra time and more time to take care of my dog.  I won't need to leave her caged for 12 hours if I have a meeting at night.  I love the apartment, I love our outside area, and we are next door to a park!  

On the other hand, the move is making me anxious and depressed.  Four years of living here, most of which I was either a busy college student or pretty depressed, has left my house a garbage hole.  Add in the fact that there is cat pee and fur anywhere that is not open space (i.e. closets, basement, behind furniture) and dust, is making my allergies flare up and my stomach turn.  We have sooo much stuff, most of it stuff we don't want or need.  So cleaning and packing is taking forever, and I am pretty embarrased about the place.  Steve's mom and step-dad are coming tomorrow to help us.  Mom (in-law) is a good cleaner and organizer.  Unfortunately, her son did not inherit and/or learn those traits.  I'm feeling sort of depressed, leaving the house I lived in for 19 out of my 24 years (I grew up here, but moved with my family when I was 14 and moved back when I was 19).  I feel very guilty, not being able to pay my grandparents rent money because we need to save up $1400 just to move into the apartment and my grandmother often asks us to pay.  She is also upset because the house is such a mess.  

So, I only have until August 1 to move.  The move is the main thing taking up any spare time.

The other big thing that happened, is my friend (who I've been through A LOT with her, to put it mildly), decided to move back to her hometown and told me four days before the move.  She had a lot of trouble with addiction in the past, and had made it her personal goal to move out of that town and not date anyone for a year.  Well, both of those things happened in her life, and I'm really concerned.  But she's an adult and will make her own decisions.  Just praying that whatever happens and whatever choices she makes, she will learn from them and good will come from her choices.

I was off my meds for awhile, and my moods were all screwed up.  I'm back on them and settling back down, but I still have periods where I am feeling depressed, anxious, guilty or shameful.  But I'm getting good support and guidance from a wonderful person who has pretty much adopted me :-) So glad we'll be closer to each other now.

I have a lot of personal goals, but I feel a lot of them need to be on hold right now.  I need to focus on the move, work and my extra curricular things.  

Thanks for reading!