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kdshelle 
It's been a long time since I posted a entry, I know. The last time I did, I vented about a situation with someone and while that person was at my home, she saw it. I was kind of scared to post anything else. But it's my computer, my house and my right to post a journal entry here.
Been on the meds for awhile, was doing better but then I began to skip doses again like I used to do. Messed up my whole body chemistry or something. Went through a tumultuous time with my friend. I love her but she has hurt me bad, and continues to do things that are hurtful. Relationship with my husband is great, I love that man to pieces and couldn't ask for a better partner. My relationship with God is changing (getting better and more personal).
All this and of course, my anxiety comes back hard. I wonder why I can't just feel okay for once. I am so tired, and at times unmotivated. Then I feel anxious because I'm not living up to my standards (at work, in relationships, in most areas just about). I don't want to keep bothering people about my insecurities, so I've largely kept them to myself. I hate feeling these twinges of guilt, fleeting thoughts about wishing to die or be someone else, wanting to quit my job and work as a cashier or something (because I feel like that's all I'm qualified to do and deserve to do). Am I sounding crazy (sorry for the non-strengths based language). It's not fair to others that I don't truly accept affirmations and compliments. I don't feel deserving, but I'm not seeing what they're seeing.
On my worst nights I just cry and try to make myself disappear. But no matter how hard I try, I'm still here. And I get up and go to work, and I do my job the best I can. I try to keep up with my roles as a wife, friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, employee, ministry worker, tenant, bill-payer, among many others I can't think of right now.
I feel a little better getting this off my chest, and knowing at least a few people who really care about me will read this and give me encouragement and keep me in prayer. And as always, God knows what's going on in my life and he does care.
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Kim I want you to know you do not bother me and I do not ever mind listening if you want someone to talk to. You are such a great friend, person, employee, ministry worker, and many other things I can't think of right now. Everyone loves you, feels comfortable and safe with you, values your opinion because we know you have a quick mind and a generous heart. I know that as soon as I put it out there you will discount it with, "yeah but's" however it just happens to be true. I was with Gemija and Autum tonight at New City and the were like, Where's Miss Kim?? Where's Mister Steve? And then talking about all the fun they had with you guys yesterday. Anytime you find yourself crying yourself to sleep and Steve isn't there or awake to comfort you and you need a flesh and blood person to talk it over with call me. It would not be any different than my other "daughters" calling me and I really do think of you as a daughter/friend. I am actually honored to be a part of your circle of friends, considering there is a few generations between us and I totally enjoy your company.
I though things were going better with your "friend". Is there trouble again?
Know that you are always in my heart and in my prayers. I know how hard it is on a person to live with anxiety disorder because of Bob having had it for the past 30 years of our marriage. It has improved a lot lot lot over the years though. Just keep working on things with your therapist, trying to get the meds right until you find the right combo, maybe talk to Ruby as well, and do not give up. It will get better. Love ya!!!! Deb
gynniemom