kdshelle's Journal

My dear old friend depression is back.  And the hopelessness that comes along.  I had a trying day at work, but felt better after talking to my supervisor and some co-workers.  I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow, and while shopping for presents my friend Jess invites me over to her house for pizza.  So I finish my shopping, grab the pizza and soda, and went to her house.  We watched Caillou for an hour.  Her son wanted nothing to do with me, which hurt because he used to lavish over me.  She put him to bed, and turned on a movie.  I was feeling chatty, but she was in the mood to watch a movie so she put the movie on.  "The Break Up."  I didn't really like the movie, plus I was beginning to feel entirely distracted so I was not laughing at the funny parts.  Jess asked "don't you think it's funny?"  I said no, not really, but I'm okay with watching it.  So the movie went from funny to depressing, and she changed the station to the '70s show.  I was still trying to make conversation, all the while she continued to look sleepy and watch TV.  I did get her plans this week out of her, and she said she was hanging out with her friend Shanna Saturday.  I don't know Shanna, but of course my overactive mind imagines Jess and Shanna having great fun together while they go out and do something. 

I felt completely annoying.  I asked her if I was, and her body language seemed to portray that she was feeling annoyed at me.  I completely broke down and told her so, told her that I was feeling really rejected and etc.  She said she was just really tired.  I apologized about the way I acted, but I just really felt threatened (like I was losing her friendship) and told her I was feeling crazy, and apologized again.  She was laying down the whole time, and she was trying to be supportive and assure me that she was just tired.  When I went to leave, I asked her if I could hug her, and she was totally taken aback and seemed annoyed that she had to get up.  I asked her what she was doing Sunday, and she said nothing, and that she would call or text me. 

I left feeling so bad, I just so much wanted to talk to her and learn with her, and do something fun instead of just watching TV.  I know she goes to bed early, and has a full-time job as a nanny and takes care of a 3 year old son by herself. I totally respect that.  But I still felt neglected when I left there.  I called Steve, and his words just added to my stress and seemed to back up all the negative things I was feeling.  

I can't do this anymore.  I need someone to hold me and love me, or at least be there for me and talk.  I love Jess and I respect her.  I later  text her saying I was sorry but I felt stupid about sending the text.  I had fleeting thoughts of dying, or hurting myself, but knew that it wasn't the right thing and that this will pass.  I don't know how to be honest with Jess without compromising our friendship or hurting her.  I don't know what to say to Steve without getting into a fight.  I feel like withdrawing and being alone.  I need some spiritual guidance, too, and those people who I would need to go to for that are the ones I'm feeling rejected by.

I hate feeling this way, I am tired of it.  I hate giving into to the madness but I am for tonight.