Journal

I would wish for 1) a mother and father who gave a crap about my life and what's going on in it 2) to learn to manage my mental health challenges more effeciently, and 3) to feel alive and energetic.

I realize that these wishes can come true, for the most part.  1) Of course, I can't control my parents, but I could learn how to deal with them and communicate in a way that can help heal our relationship.  Whatever happens, I can learn to manage my own reactions and feelings towards them.  I think what I wanted, even needed, growing up, was a responsible adult who could provide me with structure (so I could have excelled in school, music and extracurricular activities), encouragement and support (by showing up, taking interest, joining in the fun), discipline (in a healthy way, which would have enabled me to continue making good choices and not feel guilty for every little bad decision), taught me to cook (and ate dinner with me), among many other things.  I can't help but miss what I didn't have, and I cling on to every little good memory I have of my childhood.   I had to basically be psuedo-mom for my younger brothers when my mom returned to work when I was 12.  I wasn't the best psuedo-mom ever, and my one little brother was pretty physically aggressive.  I am blessed to have two women in my life who are truly mentors, and who give me that motherly attention I never really had when I was little or lack from my parents now.  For some reason, my mom affects me way more than my dad.  She is making little steps now, but she's in the beginning stages of separation/divorce from my father and wrapped up in confusion and regret about her sexual identity. 

Enough about that.

2) Weird as it may sound, my mental illness is a part of me and I don't want to change the past or make it go away.  I wouldn't be where I am, at the job I'm in (and love), the therapist I'm seeing, the supports I've gained, and the true friends who have stuck around even through all of my darkest times.  My husband is learning to be supportive and understanding, and we are close and work together in a way that we wouldn't have been able to if we didn't have to deal with this as a team.  My perspective on life is unique, I have the ability to discern people like few others can, and it's afforded me many other things that tie into my spirituality and my spiritual gifts.  However, I want to be in control of my illness.  I don't want it to control me anymore.  I want it to be a part of me, not be my identity.  And a lot of that is going to depend of me, and what I choose.  No one else has that power to define me and be my identity but me.  So I have a lot to learn and a lot of changes to make.  It's going to be difficult and I'm going to need to rally my allies.  But I really believe there are people who will come through and be strong (even when I'm not), keep me accountable to the changes I'm making, be my cheerleaders, and just generally care.  And in return, I'll be able to grow in my ability to love and truly take care of others' needs.  I am going to be able to give to them, as well.

Yay for not being in denial.  Hope for the willingness to take the leap.

3) I am always tired.  I am always lethargic.  I lack energy.  I feel poopy.  It's very difficult to get up, get motivated, get to work on time!  My brain is foggy.  My memory is poor.  My judgement is sometimes lacking.  I don't feel like I accomplish enough (there's so much to do, all of the time) and have trouble dividing tasks.  A lot of this has to do with diet.  I'm a compulsive overeater and I'm not very good at making good food choices.  I always give in to the tempation.  I never stop my self.  And sometimes I do it to punish myself.  I also need to exercise, instead of doing things that lead to eating on the run, such as shopping or skipping meals.  Another part of my tiredness is my medications.  They make me sleepy.

 So, here's to wishes that can come true.   

Wow, I don't get on here as much as I should.  Daily venting would help so much!  Lots of updating.

A few fairly large changes are happening in my life.  I am moving out of the apartment I rent from my grandparents into an apartment closer to work.  I am sensing some tension between my grandparents, Uncle Kevin against Steve and myself.  So I want out of here to avoid a conflict!  This move is affecting me in strange ways, I guess.  I am excited, really excited.  It's OUR first place, and I am looking forward to the freedom.  It's closer to my friends and mentor, 20 minutes closer to both of our work places, only five minutes away from the ministry I volunteer with, 10 minutes from the city, and closer to shopping places!  So it's a good move, one that will give me a lot of extra time and more time to take care of my dog.  I won't need to leave her caged for 12 hours if I have a meeting at night.  I love the apartment, I love our outside area, and we are next door to a park!  

On the other hand, the move is making me anxious and depressed.  Four years of living here, most of which I was either a busy college student or pretty depressed, has left my house a garbage hole.  Add in the fact that there is cat pee and fur anywhere that is not open space (i.e. closets, basement, behind furniture) and dust, is making my allergies flare up and my stomach turn.  We have sooo much stuff, most of it stuff we don't want or need.  So cleaning and packing is taking forever, and I am pretty embarrased about the place.  Steve's mom and step-dad are coming tomorrow to help us.  Mom (in-law) is a good cleaner and organizer.  Unfortunately, her son did not inherit and/or learn those traits.  I'm feeling sort of depressed, leaving the house I lived in for 19 out of my 24 years (I grew up here, but moved with my family when I was 14 and moved back when I was 19).  I feel very guilty, not being able to pay my grandparents rent money because we need to save up $1400 just to move into the apartment and my grandmother often asks us to pay.  She is also upset because the house is such a mess.  

So, I only have until August 1 to move.  The move is the main thing taking up any spare time.

The other big thing that happened, is my friend (who I've been through A LOT with her, to put it mildly), decided to move back to her hometown and told me four days before the move.  She had a lot of trouble with addiction in the past, and had made it her personal goal to move out of that town and not date anyone for a year.  Well, both of those things happened in her life, and I'm really concerned.  But she's an adult and will make her own decisions.  Just praying that whatever happens and whatever choices she makes, she will learn from them and good will come from her choices.

I was off my meds for awhile, and my moods were all screwed up.  I'm back on them and settling back down, but I still have periods where I am feeling depressed, anxious, guilty or shameful.  But I'm getting good support and guidance from a wonderful person who has pretty much adopted me :-) So glad we'll be closer to each other now.

I have a lot of personal goals, but I feel a lot of them need to be on hold right now.  I need to focus on the move, work and my extra curricular things.  

Thanks for reading! 

It's been a long time since I posted a entry, I know.  The last time I did, I vented about a situation with someone and while that person was at my home, she saw it.  I was kind of scared to post anything else.  But it's my computer, my house and my right to post a journal entry here.

Been on the meds for awhile, was doing better but then I began to skip doses again like I used to do.  Messed up my whole body chemistry or something.  Went through a tumultuous time with my friend.  I love her but she has hurt me bad, and continues to do things that are hurtful.  Relationship with my husband is great, I love that man to pieces and couldn't ask for a better partner.  My relationship with God is changing (getting better and more personal).  

All this and of course, my anxiety comes back hard.  I wonder why I can't just feel okay for once.  I am so tired, and at times unmotivated.  Then I feel anxious because I'm not living up to my standards (at work, in relationships, in most areas just about).  I don't want to keep bothering people about my insecurities, so I've largely kept them to myself.  I hate feeling these twinges of guilt, fleeting thoughts about wishing to die or be someone else, wanting to quit my job and work as a cashier or something (because I feel like that's all I'm qualified to do and deserve to do).  Am I sounding crazy (sorry for the non-strengths based language).  It's not fair to others that I don't truly accept affirmations and compliments.  I don't feel deserving, but I'm not seeing what they're seeing.  

On my worst nights I just cry and try to make myself disappear.  But no matter how hard I try, I'm still here.  And I get up and go to work, and I do my job the best I can.  I try to keep up with my roles as a wife, friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, employee, ministry worker, tenant, bill-payer, among many others I can't think of right now.  

I feel a little better getting this off my chest, and knowing at least a few people who really care about me will read this and give me encouragement and keep me in prayer.  And as always, God knows what's going on in my life and he does care.