Journal

I have discovered where the ow works and yes its a place that we take our children infrequently to the doctor ( not their pediatrician but a specialist). This explains why my child has had to wait so long to get another checkup and why the appointment had to be made in the wee hours of a Saturday;she does not work then. It also explains why he advised me to find another doctor for me to see  that is much closer to our home. He said he was trying to prevent me from having to drive so far when what he was trying to prevent is the two of us coming into contact with each other. Lies, lies, nothing but lies. He also told me that he is not having an affair which I know he is. He should have choked on his own words.

Back in December, I discovered that my husband was having an affair. My first reaction was deep, deep, deep pain as I never thought that would happen to us. Yes, I know that our relationship had become strained but I did not believe that we were in this type of trouble. He was out of town when I found out and I was waiting to have it out with him upon his return but a divorced friend of mine advised that I remain calm, keep my mouth shut and save money etc. set myself up to be able to take care of myself and our kids should he decide to leave. I am doing just that but this is the hardest thing that I have ever done. I am now trying to put together savings for us for rent, food, phone etc, money to help me live on.

The biggest mistakes that I made was not to save any money during the marriage. Well what I did save I spent on going back to school. I am so glad that I went back to school but I am new in the workforce as I stayed home to takde care of our kids. I am working, saving as much money as I can, trying to improve our marriage, going to therapy, trying to make H happy, working at a new job, trying to pretend to H and kids that everything is OK and I recently went back to school again in hopes of raising my salary so I can take care of us. Whew! I have so many balls in the air that It amazes me that I am still standing.

I am still standing but the pain at times is strong that I have to hold onto something just to keep standing.  I am afraid to confront my H for fear that his response is to leave me or stay with me and continue the affair. I want to try to spare our kids the pain of what comes with divorce and I want to have a big enough savings that I know that I can take care of myself. I want a financial cushion to sort of soften the blow. I love my h but right now that does not seem to be the issue. I need to learn how to live and take care of myself without him. So folks, does anyone have any ideas about how I can do this?

I would appreciate any suggestions.       Thank you.