Journal

Is it ok if I just talk to you in lemans’ terms and use the words that I use everyday? 

Must I think of all of those profound but complicated expressions when I sit down to pray?

Is it truth that I must close my eyes and that my head must be bowed in order for you to give me your attention on any given day?

Do I have to attend church services, belong to the choir and be one of the deacons for you to know that I am okay?

Must I read the Word on a daily basis and recite the verses verbatim for you to stay in the depths of my heart?

Wasn’t our relationship exempt from separation at the very start?

Should I change my tone and modify my speech in order for your love to be within?

Is it fair that they say I can only love the one whom is opposite of me; that I cannot make love without experiencing matrimony?

Does all of this need to occur before you can shine your light on me?

Must I face east; confess 3 times a day and jump up and down when I praise for you to recognize that I love you the same?

They say that I must go through someone else to get to you; that I am not pure enough, not wise enough and that I must die first.

Is that true? 

Is that what I must do for my soul to be soothed? 

Do I live by their protocols, go by their guidelines and follow their rules in order for your love to flow within me?

Can’t I thrive in Your consciousness, change my name to I am and function in Your resourceful power in order to understand?

Can’t I remind them that I was made in Your image and that I am the author, the director, and the writer of this screenplay?

Can’t I exist in the wish fulfilled, create my own days, manifest my dreams and make my own realities; must I partake in their disillusioned misery?

Can’t I just be…Me?

And I feel like shit. I was actually looking forward to this day but because some unfortunate events that took place, I am left alone today, tomorrow and who knows how long.

I have been so depressed lately, I can't get a hold of myself and it's making me anxious, sad, and tired. I have gone a few days without solid sleep. I can't rest at night, tossing and turning in my sheets keeps me awake for most of the night.

I don't know how to overcome this depression. I try to tell myself to be strong and deal with everything that has been happening but I can't even fool myself into believing it. I have no desire for anything, neither am I looking forward to do anything but shelter myself and stay away from people. Ugh...A month ago or so , I tried overdosing on Oxycottin. I could have been succesful but I decided to listen to to a love interest of mine and allowed myself to be helped.

I was drifting away, my heart started to beat faster and faster and I couldnt breathe, thank god for what happened next. I could have been a gonner.

Now, in my current situation I wish I hadn't listened. I would have avoided all of my frustrations and problems. Yeah, I would have been in a place worse than where I am now, but this is as painful.

I feel like crying.

I am having a crazy pain all over my body as if something is pressing on my bones or it even feels as it is growing into my bones and it is causing deep, aching pain. Ugh.....this pain is really annoying right now and I dont think the cold ass weather is making this any better.