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  From SST November 6

  Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
  
  This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
  
  Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
  A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
  
  Q. Where will the government get this money?
  A. From taxpayers.
  
  Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
  A. Only a smidgen.
  
  Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
  A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
  
  Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
  A. Shut up.
  
  Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
  
  * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
  * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
  * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
  * If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
  * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
  * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
  
  Instead, keep the money in America by:
  
  1 spending it at yard sales, or
  2 going to hockey/ball games, or
  3 spending it on prostitutes, or
  4 beer or
  5 tattoos.
  
  (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
  
  ***
  I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer! Just call me a patriot.

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  From SST June 18

  LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN..........
  
  
  
  The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
  
  Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
  
  The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
  
  Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."
  
  The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
  
  Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
  
  The teacher sat down and cried!

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  From SST January 28

  Lady Golfer.... Lawyers in an Edson law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day, she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?' The three lawyers looked at each other . They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.' She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and, happily, invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.' The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-hand ed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week, they all had their game faces on. But this week, she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable, because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing, since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back i n the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?' The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous . I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then, when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.' Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?' She said, 'Then, I'm fifteen minutes late'.

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  From SST January 25

  "OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!" "OLD " IS WHEN .Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN ..Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face "OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN .You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today "OLD" IS WHEN . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN ...An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND ... "OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes . REMEMBER: Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional.

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  From SST January 21

  A clerk asked his doctor how he could loose weight. The doctor told him to run ten miles a day for 30 days and he would guarantee him he would lose about 30 pounds. At the end of 30 days the guy was pleased and called his doctor. "Well, I lost the 30 pounds, but now I am 300 miles from home. How do I get back?"

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