sarahg13's Journal

I am really so scared to be far away from danny again. I can't help but think about that saying "the grass is always greener on the other side..." I realized 2 years ago that I love the friends I have, I love the life I'm establishing, so why do I need to continue searching for the greener grass? I don't.. although I do want to establish my career, and my life completely.. I just don't want to leave the ones I love behind in order to accomplish my goals, because then i would be completely alone and scared, and lost..

I just can't stop thinking about it.. i'm so scared to loose danny.. terrified actually. I don't know what I would do without him.. he's the first guy I've consentually had sex with.. the first guy I've truly loved.. Sex was always such a bad experience.. i was raped 3 times... so it terrified me to get intimate with anyone.. 

I also have a lot of abandonment issues. So many people have come and gone in my life. I feel as if I was abandoned and given away to the be a government child while I was growing up. I considered suicide many times.. and I was only in the 3rd grade. I just...... can't lose danny. I think I would completely fall apart...

Now i'm going to be 3 hours away. He's going to be a part of a really great band this year, and every friday and saturday they will be performing... I won't be able to see him during the week.. I was really hoping he could come see me in lawrence every other weekend.. because i really  won't have that much money.. I would like to focus on school and not work for once in my life. I won't be able to cope if I can't see him but on sundays.. I want to be part of his life as well, and what he's doing. I feel as if I will be so out of the picture.. I just.. don't want to be forgotten.. or left..

I have been so moody around him on and off.. I think I'm taking my fear out on him.. there have been so many times I imagined him breaking up with me and leaving me, when he's mad at me.. It's never even valid, but it's such a big fear for me.. I constanly feel not good enough.. I'm so not good enough for him..

I should stop.. but i'm so worried..............................