Journal

I am really so scared to be far away from danny again. I can't help but think about that saying "the grass is always greener on the other side..." I realized 2 years ago that I love the friends I have, I love the life I'm establishing, so why do I need to continue searching for the greener grass? I don't.. although I do want to establish my career, and my life completely.. I just don't want to leave the ones I love behind in order to accomplish my goals, because then i would be completely alone and scared, and lost..

I just can't stop thinking about it.. i'm so scared to loose danny.. terrified actually. I don't know what I would do without him.. he's the first guy I've consentually had sex with.. the first guy I've truly loved.. Sex was always such a bad experience.. i was raped 3 times... so it terrified me to get intimate with anyone.. 

I also have a lot of abandonment issues. So many people have come and gone in my life. I feel as if I was abandoned and given away to the be a government child while I was growing up. I considered suicide many times.. and I was only in the 3rd grade. I just...... can't lose danny. I think I would completely fall apart...

Now i'm going to be 3 hours away. He's going to be a part of a really great band this year, and every friday and saturday they will be performing... I won't be able to see him during the week.. I was really hoping he could come see me in lawrence every other weekend.. because i really  won't have that much money.. I would like to focus on school and not work for once in my life. I won't be able to cope if I can't see him but on sundays.. I want to be part of his life as well, and what he's doing. I feel as if I will be so out of the picture.. I just.. don't want to be forgotten.. or left..

I have been so moody around him on and off.. I think I'm taking my fear out on him.. there have been so many times I imagined him breaking up with me and leaving me, when he's mad at me.. It's never even valid, but it's such a big fear for me.. I constanly feel not good enough.. I'm so not good enough for him..

I should stop.. but i'm so worried.............................. 

I am soo soo frustrated.. I feel as though I have so much on my plate at the moment and have so much shit to deal with. I have to take care of my mom, and am very mad at her, but I know she needs me, so I can't help but be here for her.. I have to help support my boyfriend.. because I love him.. but why the hell am I the only one breaking my back working?? I have worked since I was 12 doing something and have had to fight my entire life to learn how to do everything!!! When is it my turn to have someone help me?? When will someone help take care of me?? i have often tried many destructive ways of getting someone to care for me.. and now that thought has arissen in my mind again.. but then I am also scared it will fail yet again.. I have to be the constantly strong one... paying the bills, buying the food. For what?? It's not for me.. it never is..

I have to deal with not being able to eat so many foods.. buying specialty shit all the time, just to feel okay. Quite honestly if I could I would much rather not eat. Or eat very little.. it sure would save me a lot of money, and I wouldn't have to worry about feeling bloated or fat. But I continue to buy food so I have energy to work to provide for my family. No one else will.. Danny only works 20 hours a week maybe.. and his money goes to alternative things.. never to bills.. rarely to food. I buy our food, pay our bills, make sure my mom can afford her meds so she isn't in constant pain and crazy.. We may lose our house, because my mom can't get work.. her car is broken.. danny's car is broken. I'm letting them both use my car, so I walk to work (it's only a block, so I don't mind). But I do mind the fact that they both have gone through soooo many cars.. I worry that they will break mine as well..

I need to be saving money for college this fall.. I have many things I 'd like to buy.. but instead I'm just trying to help us all get by. I wonder if this fall I'll even be able to take a break form work and focus on me.. or will I end up working and helping danny and my mom some more?

I don't mean to sound so resentful.. because I love them both.. But they both make me so mad. They live in their fucking dream world where bills, planning, and work are all nonexistant. My mom is in credit card hell, has lived off of disability (for bipolar and lung issues) for years and years.. as long as I can remember. She hasn't ever had to have a "real" job. She is soo good at music.. and she could have made a wonderful career in her youth, which she did for awhile, with the help of my grandma and great grandma. But my mom doesn't take the inititative to do things herself!! She has to have someone do everything for her.. I'm so pissed. Why fucking me. With my issues..............All my food allergies, my pain, my mood swings.. I just am sick of all of this shit.

Why won't danny just work more, and grow up.. face the music. I'm just mad that I was forced to grow up early.. Danny is just a normal young adult... not realizing the cruel world out there... I was forced to realize it at an early age.. and he is just now figuring it out.. i shouldn't be so hard on him.. but I just wish someone would be there for me.. to help me..