Journal

I feel this way a lot anymore. I can't explain why or maybe I can.I just feel as if no one cares whether I live or die. No one calls, Sisters or mother who is all I have. Father never has really talked to me. My Grandmother use to but she's gone.Husband is useless since he found facebook. Tells me if I want to talk all I have to do is mention sex, he will get of facebook for that. So I feel all I am to him is a sex object.

I have all the signs of Lupus, yet have not been diagnosed with it. With a positive ANA and speckled pattern. Along with all the other crap I have been told. I don't know what to believe anymore. My body hurts even my hair hurts everyday, and my scalp. I swear some-days I just wish I had a gun to solve all my problems, never to worry about what's wrong with me again.

My husband always would ask if he can get me anything, and I always say a gun just shoot me, he turns it into a sexual joke. Although I am dead serious.

Then My Mother and Father in Law want me to be Baptised in the Baptist Religion when I am Catholic. They push me so much I don't want to go to their Church or any other. I have been Catholic my whole life, I don't want to change my Beliefs for them or anyone else.

I know I know, everyone's thinking suicide is a sin against God, I understand that but I feel as if I am already in HELL. It's just to much for me to take much more, between people I m around and Disability treating me as if my life is unimportant. And no one listens to me. Or acts as if they really care. If someone cared it might be different.

I heard from my Doctor yesterday. That one on the right is NOT a Ovary, that's the good thing. There is blood flow in the one on the right. So that raises all new questions.I'm being set up for an OBGYN for a surgery consult, a otherscopic exploratory to find out why I have so many growths in my pelvic area, yet  no female organs. What are they attached to? Why is there blood flow? I was told it was a very extensive report, only in pelvic area. I just have to wait and see. Finally getting help with something that has given me problems for at least 10 years.

I called my Laywer today to tell him, because the other surgeries are already in my file. 1 more to add.

I hope everyone is doing well. Feeling well, and have a wonderful weekend.