SquidLady's Journal

damn.

i miss having a girlfriend.

i really, really, really, really dont want to turn into one of those girls who has to have a significant other at all times. i have a friend like that and it's so heartbreaking to see her throwing herself on complete losers or guys that are just really not for her just because she's lonely. she can do SO much better than her current boyfriend, but she refuses to dump him and spend time by herself because she just doenst know how to live alone.

so i don't want to be her, at all.

but at the same time...

gah! i just miss having someone there. even though i was in a relationship for 6 months, it was almost like we weren't even together. we'd talk a lot, but we didnt talk about our relationship or our feelings for each other a lot. it was almost like we were just good friends that had little crushes for each other. and there were moments when we were together in the same place that it really really did feel like a real relationship, but they never lasted long. she was always so distant, even when she was sitting right next to me.

goodness gracious, sometimes i just want a big dyke girlfriend who gets angry if you call her a "girl", and she beats up boys, and she cuts her hair super short and wears baggy pants but is actually a total sweetie and wont let anyone but her girlfriend see her soft side.

but all those dykes just break my heart. i always hope i've found the tough grrrl with the softie side, but they've all just used me and dumped me like garbage. they're were so preoccupied with being un-feminine and super cool and just like shane from the l word that they didnt realize they had become the female equivolent of players.

and sometimes i want a femme girlfriend. someone pretty and soft who smells really good and wears nice clothes and isnt so reserved or afraid to show her feelings and is so glorious it's almost as if she stepped out of an italian painting.

but i'm not into high maintanence. and the last femme i dated was so embarrassed by how open i was about my sexuality (and also by how crazy i am, but so is everyone) and she was also SO BORING. she wasnt interested in much beyond her cellphone and fake nails.

goddamn!

maybe i'll just marry my gay boy best friend and give up on love.