Rylee55's Journal

Ok, the move has happened, I survived the walkthrough with the nasty former prison guard property manager(with Bobby there as my witness/personal bodyguard), and now begins the long process of settling into my new apartment, with uncarpeted floors. Downside, I going to have to get rid of a lot of stuff in order to fit everything in here, and that may well include some things I'm fond of, and maybe even some of my crafting stuff (But hell, I can't take it with me, anyway, right?).

I went to see my therapist today, and I talked with him about this whole "adult behavior" thing. I told him that after reading several mentions of Aspies finding that at a certain point, in the transition from childhood to adolescence, it seemed that those around us were changing, but we weren't. He asked me what I felt that was still in child mode for me, and I gave him the following example. Ok, suppose I'm walking down the street with some NT friends, and I'm trying hard to pay attention to their conversation, which goes like this: Person A: "Ok so I'm talking to him and he says 'blah blah blah', and I think to myself, how could he even say something like that? He obviously blah blah blah..." and all the time they're talking, I'm taking in everything that's going on around me, and it's hard to concentrate and give the appropriate "adult" responses, and suddenly the setting sun turns the western sky a beautiful crimson and violet, and I say, "Oh look at the sky!" and point, at which they look at me like I'm an idiot. My therapist said to me, "Ok, who's  really the idiot here?" I said, "Well I guess they are". He said "Well, if you find you don't really want to be friends with people like that, what have you lost?" Well not much, but I began to cry as I recounted how I'd spent my life getting jobs and trying desparately to keep up the facade of "grownup" behavior, always sooner or later blowing it by letting my mask slip, getting too excited and jumping up and down flapping, or making "inappropriate" comments, etc. Then people would inevitably not want me around anymore, deeming my childish behavior to be a liability or annoyance in a workplace environment. 

He then said, "It's true that in some ways Asperger's can be a curse. It can keep you out of a successful track in life in many ways. But, it is also a blessing, in that you never stop seeing the beauty that's all around you. You're in a position where you don't have to work, now, and though you don't have much, you don't have to worry about that anymore. You can enjoy all that's around you now, not worrying about having to try to impress anyone anymore. You can be thankful for that as a blessing too, if you want!"

I know that he's right, and that's a choice I can make, which can re-cast the way I see my life in a way that is much more empowering to me. I can choose to see all that I've gained rather than all that I've lost. That may not always be easy: I've had a lifetime of seeing my difference as a curse. But I can start trying right now to enjoy my life and not worrying about what I've missed, because there's so much I've experienced that NTs have missed because so many never look! It seems, from reading books on spiritual practice, that it's very hard for NTs to be aware of everything that's going on around them, but for me it's always just been the way I am, mostly. How lucky is that?!