freedomcanhappen's Journal

I don't know that it is a fear.  or just an inability to respond.  frozen. 

I don't know what is going on. except for I know that we are sick people!!!!!  at all stages and careers of our eating disorders.  and who knows what else we suffer from, depression, PTSD, bi polar etc etc etc which makes for a great amount of vulnerability.

I don't want to post because I just dont want to add to the pain.

I am not excluding myself from any of this.

I have first hand experience of pushing things back to make it go AWAY.   About three weeks ago a friend of mine died from her eating disorder and in my denial I pushed it away.  and now, three weeks later I am confronted by another losing their life to this disease.  I DID NOT KNOW LAUREN PERSONALLY BUT THROUGH THE BOARD OF ED AND SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT!  I do not want to take away from anyone who knew her personally because that grief is overwhelming and i keep you held tight in my prayers.

I have lost more people from eating disorders than I have from losing people from their alcoholism.  I don't know what that says really.  but

I for one know it will happen but cant stand to lose another to this disease including myself.

I have taken for granted that recovery will always be there and IT WONT.  WE DIE. SOMETIMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES SLOWLY. BUT WE, DIE.  NO THEY OR HE OR SHE, WE. WE ARE IN THE GRIPS OF A FATAL ILLNESS.

I am responsible for my recovery.  I believe it was lapetiemoi who said that not too long ago in a post that was very true in what she said.

I have lost the power of choice with food and any related behaviors, period.  For me, this is the final demoralization of my career. 

i surrender.

I for one. can no longer be okay with, "oh I did well this week and just got stressed so I did . . . .

God has intervened for me. because I obviously couldn't.

I have had things happen in the last few weeks that I don't ever want to go through again!!!!

I WILL HUMILIATE MYSELF NO LONGER. NO MORE!!!!!

PLEASE. ANYONE WHO READS THIS.  PLEASE GET HELP!!! ANY WAY YOU CAN WHAT EVER WORKS FOR YOU BUT DO IT NOW.  MY HEART IS BROKE FOR THE LAST TIME. FOR ALL OF US WHO SUFFER FROM THIS HORRIBLE ILNESS. THAT KILLS.

SATURDAY I WANTED TO SCREAM AT THE GROUP I WAS IN BECAUSE THEY LAUGHED AT SOME THINGS THAT WERE ACTUALLY VERY SERIOUS.   BECAUSE IN MY OA I DON'T THINK MANY OF THEM ACTUALLY DO GET THAT PEOPLE DIE.  THEIR OWN DENIAL OR JUST BEING SOMEHOW NOT CONNECTED TO OTHERS WITH THIS DISEASE.  I DON'T KNOW.  BUT THEY DONT GET IT AND I WILL LOSE THEM TOO.  AND I DESPARATELY DONT WANT TO LOSE PEOPLE.

I HAVE LOST ENOUGH.  FROM THIS DISEASE. OTHER DISEASES.  LOSING PEOPLE SUCKS.  WE DIE WE ALL DIE SOMETIME BUT PLEASE. DON'T DIE BEFORE YOUR TIME DONT KILL YOURSELF.

I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!!!  HE MADE ME IMPERFECT AND HUMANS WHO WERE ABUSIVE RAISED ME TO STRIVE FOR UNATTAINABLE PERFECTION.  HOW SICK AS THAT THAT WE AS IMPERFECT HUMANS EXPECT OTHERS TO BE PERFECT!!!!  GOD DIDN'T MAKE US PERFECT BUT HE MADE US BEAUTIFUL.

AND DAMN IT IF I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND DON'T SAY "YOU ARE A MIRACLE, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL CHILD OF GOD..... I AM NOT HONORING GODS CREATION.

there is no fight anymore for me.  I surrender.  God takes this. 

PLEASE. IN RESPONSE IN GRIEF IN RESPONSE TO GRIEF.  BE GENTLE ON EACH OTHER.

Everyone is hurting. 

whether this plants a seed in someone or like me has had enough, Dont stop until you find what works for you.

We just have today.  thats all.

For me, it is a daily choice, one day of going to any lengths to recover.  one DAY.  JUST FOR TODAY.

JUST FOR TODAY.

I have stayed sober one day at a time.  I didn't set any goal of any amount.  I just don't drink for today.  and I have over a year and a half todays strung togehter. 

just for today.  please, just for today. . .