freedomcanhappen's Journal

As you know I have been going through a hell of a time lately.  Even started a private goal of "get weight the hell off". . .oh boy...

I would bring to mind that eating is a prayer and it is sacreligious for me to be doing my behaviors.  it is a spiritual action something beautiful that make ugly and horrid and I spiralled just kept spiralling in it down and down and down.

I haven't been getting out.  I haven't been to my studio or meetings or coffee or anything.  just morbidly depressed and more and more hopeless so why the hell not just dive straight in to my ED and just carry on til the bitter end.

Well.  yesterday God motivated me (I know I didn't motivate me) to talk a walk.  and that sparked me to go to my studio and paint.  I have much to do there.  I am "supposed" to be there every day.  anyway.

I began again on my "dancing Mary " series and wondered why it just keep eluding me.  I think I find her and poof she is gone.

Today I heard her voice.

My Dancing Mary said to me while forwardly rejoicing so quiet in demeanor,

Mourn not for your Lord, for He carries you alwaysl  His love, through death, is rebirthed into a wide reach around our fragile bodies and brightens our souls when they are merely sparks, Sing on the inside, and sacrifice with rejoice this Lent for He is the light in the picture.

I asked her, "Why can't we see you dancing?"

She tells me,

"I am of the earth.  You can see me dancing always, just watch the trees in the wind.  That is you, that is me, that is us, people, dancing in the breath of God.  It is a state of being much like joy. 

To dance, simply means that your daily actions of life are reflective of the love and respect you have for your God, your people (includes yourself), and your earth.  so go now in peace and dance.

So, I choose, just for today, because today is all we have.  thank goodness I was reminded.  This is the best of time because it is the only time we have, today. I don't have to worry about anything else. 

so.  just for today. this moment I choose to change my attitude.  even if I have to say it like this,

Today, I act as if I am dancing. 

Today I act as if I am hopeful.

Today, I act as if life is good.

Today, I act as if I am free.

Today, I act as if I love.

Today, I act as if my body is okay just the way it is.

Today, I act as if I am okay, and it is okay to be okay.

content, quiet, less arragant and boasting.

gentle and kind and sharing my experiences because you never know who might be listening and needed to hear just what you have to say.

So speak up everybody.  I am happy to be here.  I am happy you are here.

Please. if I can gain hope anybody can.  Everyone has a right to hope and live.

Everyone.

Please.  share your experiences, share your strengths and weaknesses, and share your hopes, dreams and desires, for you may never know that they actually are happening as you speak them. and to your surprize you find yourself no longer 'acting as if' and realized that without knwoing it you made your way into being in the world and of this world and a part of this world. 

You are worth it.  and will be able to be shocked when you look in the mirror and really look at yourself and say

 'You, are a miracle, and damn it, I like myself today."

And walk by and let someone else know that they are miracles too.

Yes that means you reading this right now. you are a miracle.  This was freely given to me and I freely give it to you. 

Please pass it on. and pay it forward.

Love all yall guys,

Happy Valentines Day