freedomcanhappen's Journal

I have made it this far. shows you how fragile things can be.

Today I had breakfast. I had lunch. lunch went badly.  I have been obsessing over getting results from my first appt to see if the cancer has come back.  so anyway. We go to this mexican restaurant and I want to order enchiiladas.  She says. well our special is all you can eat enchiladas for. . . well that was cheaper than just ordering two. so I took it.  and I didn't think.  See. already today i have been out of sorts.  I was helping paint and spilled the bucket of paint everywhere..... things like this just kept happening so by lunch I was feeling pretty rotten and didn't want to eat but just suit up and show up and eat.  but I ate like a wild animal.  fast and hard my entire plate of enchiladas and it was a normal amount but a lot. but I ate so fast and my digestive system is messed up from my past behaviors so I am not suppose to eat fast. i get sick.  so here I sit realizing that I am feeling horrible and sick and I state to my husband.  "I want to keep eating"  luckily he knew exactly what was going on and he just stated simply. "no" and we paid and left and now it comes to the night I cooked dinner but can't eat it. if I don't eat something anything, I break my abstinence yet I can't see eating. I just can't see it.

suit up and show up and eat.  but I am petrified. i don't want to. I am so confused. and the results of my test was inconclusive.  there is displasia have to have a Ct scan which was going to happen anyway and then another appot. but the appt is not for a month and a half. so it is wait and see. and I don't understand what it means. is the cancer back or do they not know at this point.  What the hell.  and my brain says okay body. you don't like me I will show you. I will starve you into submisssion to my control.

yuck. this is crap. Im scared, confused, frustrated. all of the above. I am on DS hoping that I can gain some sanity. or something. just to know I am not alone.