chichiguita's Journal

I was contacted by email by a woman yesterday who has hurt me deeply.  I haven't seen her in years.  She wanted to know if we could "have coffee and catch up". 

Today she emailed again and said she "felt there was some healing to be done and believed the Lord was nudging her to contact me." 

Yeah, I agree, there needs to be healing.  I'm just not sure I want to get back into the cage with that tiger. 

I dunno. 

I'm wrestling.  There is a mountain of forgiving ahead of me and I just feel very weary and vulnerable.  I don't want to face all that in this condition.  Sometimes things are hard--but I need to do them anyway...I need to watch GI Jane again...summon my big girl panties. 

I will need to interact some with X today too.  Don't wanna.  I saw my mother in law yesterday and she invited me to drive down to MS for thanksgiving with the family (at X's house/our apartment).  I just don't think I'm ready for that.  Right now everything around X feels like rejection.  I'm toying with riding down with her, but seeing some of my MS friends.  I dunno.  I'm not ready for the holidays.  Everything has a bit of a gray haze about it. 

I wish I could just fly to Jarabacoa.  sigh. 

I'm going to set my timer and allow myself to be in this funk for a few more minutes--then I need to snap out of it.  I need to focus on the goals I want to set for myself, on the kids, on the things my hands have found to do.  Okay.  Five more minutes of crankiness--then we start looking at gratitudes.  jah.