chichiguita's Journal

I asked a divorced friend to think about the qualities they would hope for/look for in a future mate/date and share them with me.  I had been thinking about this--and wanted someone safe to bounce things off of.

Now I find myself struggling to answer my own question. 

When my ex left the first time (two years ago), I was sure I would not date anyone.  I felt (still do in some ways) that I had my "one grand adventure" and it had ended (sadly)--I didn't want to try to "re-create" anything. 

There is so much to thinking about another "romantic attachment".  When you have a child already--there is even more. 

I wondered if maybe I should remain single in order to remain spiritually available for what ver God might have in mind next.  Maybe if I didn't have a husband to serve--I could put that energy more fully into serving others and deepening my own spiritual passion. 

I dunno.

There is also the idea of whether it is a good idea for me to "date someone just to be dating them" vs. "searching for a soul mate".

I think those questions get very complicated at my phase in life. 

It was one thing when I was young--it was expected that I would be "looking for someone to share my life with". 

It is also different because of the sexual aspect. 

It was one thing when I was a virgin going to a Christian college, dating only the most "christian-y" guys (not that there weren't temptations).  In this new world, people are so casual about sex. 

And now that I've "had it"---I MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the temptations are going to be even greater and I find myself feeling very ambivalent.  I wish I didn't--but I do. 

Some of my girlfriends think it is crazy that I have only been with one man, that we waited until we were married--and even CRAZIER to think that I might choose that it remain that way at my age.  They se the idea of sex only within the boundaries of marriage as silly and unrealistic (again, I wrestle with my own ambivalence and with it weren't so).   They tell me that when I am "emotionally ready" (what ever that means) I should just "get some".  I think they were secretly hoping I would have some crazy fling this weekend and that is why we kept going to places that were more "bar-ish" as apposed to the more conversation-friendly places we usually frequent. 

While we were out I was "hit on" by a few different men (four to be exact--and YES, I WAS counting:).  My reaction was a mixture of shock, appreciation and emvarrassment.  I appreciated the attention (it made me feel less like a toad)--but I didn't know what to do with it and found myself wanting to withdraw.  I told Jen, "I don't want to go someplace where I'm gonna get hit on".  Sher just smiled and said "I don't think you are in a position to avoid that, dear".  Of course neither of them have been married--so the whole thing is common place to them.  It made me think even more about this question. 

I am old enought that it is more that reasonable to assume that I will not be having more children, but still young enough that the idea of becoming "a spinster" makes me cry. 

Too old to be a princess--and yet I've been de-throned as someone's queen...alas.

All this to say that I am not only trying to sort out what kind of man I would want to spend time with--but IF I want a man at all. 

No--that doesn't quite fit.  It isn't honest.

I want a man.  I just don't WANT to want a man. 

Yeah--there it is. 

SO--the question I am to work out with my friend is "what kind of man do I want to not want?"....