chichiguita's Journal

He texted me yesterday wanting to know the exact amount of child support. 

I emailed to tell him.  In his response, he said "I think of you often and hope you are okay". 

I would rather not know that. 

I don't want to think about him thinking about me. 

Questions fill my head...

"What are you thinking about me?"

"Do you regret leaving me?"

 "Do you dream about my laugh?"

"Do you miss the way my skin felt or the scent of my perfume?" 

"Do you miss me the way I miss you?"

"Do you cry on your way to work every day?"

"Do silly little things set you off?"

"Are you finally coming to your senses like everyone said you would?"

NOPE.

While it took me 20 minutes of agonized typing and deleting and re-thinking and retyping to come up with a "kind-but-impersonal" response that avoided the statement that is now haunting me--He probably spit out those words without a second thought. 

He just thinks about me in the way he thinks of relatives, or friends he hasn't seen in a while. 

He hopes I am well because I am his son's mother and he wants me to stay alive for his sake. 

I remind myself of this with firm cruelty and tell myself I will be tougher sooner.  This is my life now. 

I am alone.  I have beautiful friends who are dedicated to me and love me, but I am not "special" to anyone.  Not in that way.  I blend in until I am invisible.  I am a single woman.  Alone--and doing fine--mostly. 

Mostly...

I just wish I wasn't thinking about him thinking about me.