chichiguita's Journal

Walking through this darkness leaves my soul weary.  I feel at times as if my spirit will collapse into intself under the weight.  My lungs feel empty, my heart--void. 

It occurs to me--that this is how people "dry up". 

This is when they lose capacity--lose themselves. 

I have seen these people.  I have wondered what happened to their joy.  I have asked myself why they were so cold. 

Sadly-I understand. 

The last three years have been my initiation to life's bitterness. 

It is not that I hadn't experienced pain before then--It just appears to have all caught up with me. 

It has threatened to steal my soul and leave me empty. 

This morning as I walked my dog in the Mississippi sun--I remembered my early days here in this state.  I remembered walking the same path the morning after we had moved in and talking with stbx and listening to him tell me that we would be happy now--that we were "going to make it". 

Oh how I wish he had been right. 

Perhaps he wishes the same. 

Alas--he was wrong. 

 I am crushed, swept over and washed away, devestated--but not defeated. 

This kind of pain can either decrease or increase my capacity to love and live. 

I resolve that I will embrace the latter.