chichiguita's Journal

I have this terrible sense of loss.  Incomplete. 

There were still memories I wanted to make with you. 

I look at you and I still love your gray eyes. 

You were my college sweet heart.  The one who kissed my hand after our first date.  You were the one who brought me flowers every week for a year.  You were the one who taught me to dream.  We went to Disney together...and took our son...we were supposed to go back before he became too old to appreciate it.  You were my partner in every adventure.  How can the journey be over now?

I'm not finished making memories with you.  There are just so many things we still need to share.  I wasn't finished. 

I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted.  I tried.  I tried so hard to be what you wanted.  I'm sorry. 

I feel like a failure.  Like the last 19 years have been this big waste.  I thought I was your soul mate--but I just never really measured up?  I can't bare it. 

I wanted so badly to walk the whole journey by your side.  I can't imagine not sharing things with you.  I can't imagine not being "old" together.   Who will you be old with now?  How could you just cut me out? 

I have never felt so disposable and worthless. 

I just wish I could evaporate. 

I love you.  I so love you. 

it just wasnt' enough.