chichiguita's Journal

I didn't sleep well last night.  (what's new?)

I dreamed that my husband had ordered a "mob hit" on me.  In the dream, I was fixing him a cup of coffee and we were going to have sex.  Son was in the house.  While I was pouring cream into the coffee I over heard him telling the guy to come and kill me after we had sex. 

I listened and was chilled---but I didn't run away. 

I was trying to decide whether to confront him.  I was still trying to act like everything was normal. 

He sent me downstairs to get something and while I was down there, I saw the "hitman".  I opened the door and spoke to him.  I told him "John can't talk to him right now--(then I whispered) "he's naked".  The guy seemed confused but seemed to decide that he would "wait till later". 

Then I woke up. 

There are a lot of things that swirl through my head in examining this dream. 

I obviously see stbx as a threat to my spiritual being. 

Yet I still seem willing to "give myself to him" if I think it will save the relationship. 

Son's "silent presence" tells me that I am still trying to sort out how all this effects him. 

But what really troubles me is that I knew I was in danger and I did not take my son and get the hell out of there.  Instead I risked both of us in hopes of winning back stbx--even AFTER I saw what he was up to.  SICK.

sick, sick, sick. 

I need to get well. 

I need to get myself and my son OUT of here. 

I need to believe there is a hope and a future for us. 

Dear God, please help us.