chichiguita's Journal

It just hurts. 

stbx is out of town for 7 days.  It will be good practice for son and I.  Soon enough we will make our way alone. 

Up this morning, and went to church.  Son didn't want to go--but he doesn't want to do anything that interupts his computer access.  I am grateful that we will have dial up where we are moving. 

On the way home, son talked about his anger toward the church because of percieved rejection at our last church.  He wants to see his parents as innocent.  Really, we weren't. 

Still it hurt. 

We talked a little bit about risks. 

He expressed his hopeful believe that things really would get better.  He said he knows he can't control what is happening right now.  He is trying to take it for what it is and hope things will get better soon. 

He is such a wise soul.  I really love him. 

We went to corner market and got some sushi and some fruit. 

After eating, I had some work I was supposed to have done on Friday and son started surfing the internet.  We watched Animal Planet while I worked. 

It was nice just to be hanging out with my sweet, funny, wise son.  

Here and there we talked about the animal stories, or what he was reading on the internet...he is good company.  I am sooo grateful to be his parent. 

At one point I asked him "are you glad to be moving back north?"

He said "I am--mostly--but I'm also sad about saying good bye to my friends here". 

I asked, "Do you think you will be happier there?"

"Yeah, I really do.  It's just hard." 

Yes, Love, it is...

It is hard because you have had to say far too many good-byes at your age. 

It is hard because you have no idea how badly you will miss your father's pressence. 

It is hard because you keep talking about getting a job to save money for household things.  You shouldn't have to worry about this.   It is hard.  I'm so sorry. 

It is hard because you will return to a community with a dark/gossipy side. 

It is hard because your father loves you and you will miss that love.

Oh God knows I wish there were a better way. 

It will be for the best, because you will return to a community with people that love you. 

It will be for the best because we will enter a household that has prepared for us and knows the pain we are in and welcomes us. 

It will be for the best because there are friends who know, love and accept you and will be ready to be part of our lives. 

It will be for the best because those friends are grounded and will hopefully influence you in the right direction. 

It is just hard. 

I'm so so sorry, my sweet boy.  I love you.