chichiguita's Journal

I struggled to sleep again last night, waking every hour or so with a crushing sense of doom. 

It is like awaking to a panic attack. 

Last night I had a few dreams.  I dreamed son had called the police (ambulance?) while we slept.  When they got there, I could see them outside the window and spoke to them.  Son was on the patio with a bunch of stuff from storage.  The reason he had called--unknown. 

I think that is probably about Son "crying for help". 

I need to stop medicating myself with alcohol.  It just isn't a good coping mechanism for him to see--and it is trying to become a habit.  I told myself last night "soon I won't be here--I'll be sharing a house with D and K--that will help me cut down naturally.  But really--I am numbing out way too often.  I need my wits about me. 

STBX and I discussed the moving thing again--and we seem to be on the same page.  Friends will come down with a trailer to gather our things and stbx will drive son up a few days earlier so that neither of them has to go through the trauma of emptying another house. 

I feel sad for stbx when he comes back here to an empty house--but I guess that is what he asked for.  He will just go out and buy a bunch of new stuff and decorate to suit himself.  He will probably enjoy it. 

I noticed that he saved a house on my computer in the school district.  I am a little afraid he is having second thoughts about fighting me for custody.  If he does...(breath, chichi)

I think our life can begin again when we get there.  Just another four weeks of living hell.  stbx will be out of town next week--it will be more peaceful and I will bring son into the office with me a few times I think. 

Also think I will take a day or two off and pack some.  Will loose em if I don't...and I am not what you would call "healthy" right now--that is for sure.  On the 10th I am setting up an event for the new chairs on the coast.  son will come with and I think mayby we will hit the water park on Monday before heading back. 

I need to be very careful with my pennies...at the same time--we need to start having some fun together. 

It is just so hard to be positive when your life falls apart.