chichiguita's Journal

Yesterday was tolerable.  Probably more tolerable than any I've had so far since stbx made his announcement. 

We are all still in the same house and son has not been told.  I don't think he even suspects.  We ordered pizza a watched movies and swam in the pool.  It was really fun--and heart breaking. 

Today I have this heaviness.  I feel like I am moving more slowly.  I am still not dressed.  We lazed around this morning reading books and talking, eating the left over pizza for breakfast. 

Son wants to go to the library or bookstore.  stbx went outside to smoke a cigar on the patio and I napped on the couch.  They are playing a video game right now. 

I cannot understand why stbx would trade this.  It is beyond me.  It breaks my heart. 

During the last month we had this "re-awakening" and he told me he wanted it to stay that way.  Of course it can't be that intense all the time--son was up north for a month, so there was a lot of sex. 

There could still be.  We have such chemistry. 

He says "we don't navigate life well together". 

That seems like something we work toward.  You don't just cut people out of your life.  I don't. 

but I must. 

The pain is so heavy.  I feel afraid of it.  I feel afraid of going north and not being able to find a job.  I feel afraid because I have no retirement and very little savings (especially by the time I move).  I feel afraid for my son.  What if his friends reject him since he has been gone so long.  His weight issue has become worse.  How will I parent him by myself?  How will I make sure he has what he needs.  He needs to go to the dentist.  (random, I know)

I am so weary.  Gratefully, the pain was more tolerable yesterday.  Having written this has helped as well.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.