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jlynn3100 
9:04am, November 18, 2009
I'm sinking ever further into this cold abyss
So deeply I can't see the light
I try to climb but the walls are smooth
Escape isn't in my sight
How has my life come to this
When so recently I was content?
Why do I deserve this hell?
My dues have already been spent.
I feel more alone than ever before
My future plans stripped away.
Tired of words with no real meaning
There are always agendas at play.
On Friday evening I was convinced that I was about to die. I didn't think I would make it to the living room to get to my phone, that I would die before I could dial 911. I was completely alone. While on the phone with 911 I could hear myself, being ashamed and embarrassed yet unable to hang up. I knew I would regret it later, I knew it deep down. By the time EMS got there I was crying and humiliated, sitting at the bottom of my steps while they questioned me. They told me not to worry, they talked me through it, but I still felt like the biggest idiot in the world. To think that 20 minutes earlier I thought I wouldn't live until they got there, then to refuse to go to the hospital with them. My door was left ajar and my cat escaped. When I found her she was cowering at the bottom of the other stairwell. I am very ashamed, ashamed that I can't get a handle on myself, my life, and my health. There is no one to turn to. I don't trust anyone in my life, not anymore. As I said in my poem above, there is always an agenda.
Comments
This was mainly directed at him because he didn't seem to care at all about what I had gone through. He said a bunch of shit then left me hanging for two days, and by that point I was done with him. I had no desire to talk to him. I doubt I ever will again, and I know that he will never see what he's done wrong. He has a long, lonely, miserable life ahead of him and I wish him luck with that.
jlynn3100
hey jen,
please don't be ashamed about calling 911. it's so much better that they didn't have to save you than if they had to. we called 911 the first time i had a nasty vertigo attack because i was nauseus for hours and didn't know what else to do. if no one called them unless they were really dying there'd be a lot less people getting the help they needed. like gaye i feel like a jerk for not being here this week but please know that we love you on here and we're thinking about you and wishing you all the best even when we aren't on here. take care jen and feel better.
scott
tscottm
hey scott, i don't blame you for calling 911 when you did. i just feel like if i had waited mine out i wouldn't have had to call. i had another episode while i was walking home this past week. i just tried to breathe and not let it turn into panic and i managed to make it home. the hardest part is the last bit of my walk which is crossing this long bridge. several times i have started to panic while on the bridge, knowing that i can't really do anything except keep walking. it sucks! a few times i wasn't sure i would make it to the end of it. logically i know what's happening, but sometimes it doesn't matter. i appreciate you being here, scott, you know that. i know that you care, even if you get busy. thanks for being my friend and don't feel like a jerk!!! lol cuz you aren't. :-)
jlynn3100
*big hugs* I get like that alot. It is nothing to feel stupid for...trust me. But in order for me to get through them, I have had to train myself to start from the begining...each step foward is a success. Each step you walk home you have succeeded in getting passed the worst of things...each step over the bridge is an achievement! Youre still here, youre still with us...that is the biggest achievement you can do for yourself and others atm. Dont be ashamed...be proud that you were able to prevent yourself from doing something silly. Im so proud of you! *big hugs*
BlueBella
Thanks Bella. I know I'm too hard on myself and I'm one of those people who hates to ask for help. It makes me feel weak, but I know that's silly. I am still here and I'm making plans to be here for a long, long time, god willing. I appreciate your support while I try to change my life. I am here for you as well, please remember that!! :-)
jlynn3100