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flowerchild23 
7:02pm Saturday
Have not written in my journal in a long time, I guess there is not much to write about, life seems to be the same as always. I am complacent and depressive, I care but I dont and sometimes I question why im still here. I spoke with my mother tonight, she acted depressed and like she felt guilty about not being able to help me when I was a kid, I just told her its a hard disease and you did everything you could it just was not enough, but i didnt tell her that I think she could have done more. I protect my mom and other people from things because I know they can't handle it like I can, although Im sure they think Im the one who is fragile and crack easily, not after years of this bullshit!!!
So its thanksgiving day today, and my mother in law has put on a dinner, I let my hubby go alone, I dont like to face the scrutiny of the crowd mentality. I actually dont even feel bad about being home by myself, I would rather that then be social when i dont feel like being social. It gets easier every year, might has well just sit back and cuddle with my old friend Bipolar because its going to be a long ride!!!!
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today went better than expected, I think I will like my new therapist, im still getting to know her but from what I can tell, shes going to be good for me! She still does not know me as well as I would like her to know me because of some of the things she talked about, it seems she is assuming what kind of mother I have, and shes got it all wrong, making the whole thing frustrating because she is now assuming who i am because of the experiences with my mother or how my mother treated me. I will have to reiterate the fact that my mother is not well herself and that just because she is raising my child does not mean she did all she could for me, I got the shittier end of the stick as far as im concerned and hopefully she will understand that a little better once she gets to know me. The thing i did not like her saying to me was " you've been well looked after now your mother cant look after you anymore, its not her problem", " you need to start looking after yourself" I DO look after myself, and i always did and always will. Ive been in a mixed episode for a week now and ive been annoyed, so i might have to pop a zyprexa if i get too crazy. Other than that I hate this illness and we will see if this therapy makes any kind of a difference in my life, because i would hope that it can so i can propel myself further and accomplish more
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hey flower..i'm glad it went better than you expected:) and hey, if she only said like one or two thing's you didn't like...then hey, maybe that's cool...lol, sometimes i'll get one that says a whole bunch of crap i dont like..sounds like she just want s u to be able to kind of look at yourself in an objective way..and that is what they are supposed to do i think, at least when i get therapists that do this, this is how i grow the most...i am in the process of getting a new therapist as i speak, and i hope she's good, cux i've had some good one's, but mostly crappy one's through the years..and i realy want a good one this time around:) anyway, thinking of you flowerchild and hoping your doing ok...i really like you becauuse you always just tell it just how it is, and ther's no bullshit with u:):):) anyway...peace for u sister, love maggie
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i hear you girl, good for u , for staying home if you don't enjoy the crowd mentality....and you just do your thing...i do this too on the holidays...my kids like to go with the family, but i can't handle it all, so i just have a few glasses of wine and stay home..yah, me and my bp...lol, big hugs for u flower..love, maggie
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