arienette's Journal

Hello,

I really don't know what to write. Life has become this big, unrecognizable mass of nothingness. I barel have something that makes me smile, I havent felt excitment in months&months. There is no one I look forward to seeing at school (where I live). And there is definately no one who looks forward to seeing me. I can't come up with a thing to look forward to. I can come up with 1,000 things to look forward and fear.

I drink like 20 beers a day, give or take (every day of the week). I am so fat I can barely stand to rub lotion on my skin after a shower (which I need to do this time of year because my skin gets so horribly dry) b/c that requires me actually touching my body.

I have no real friends at school anymore, my own fault, mostly. My roommate  was who I let myself fall into hanging out with all the time, and now she has a boyfriend and being the third wheel is the worst (although it is a role ive taken on multiple, multiple times in my life). All of the other friends ive had at this school have been situational. Sorority, transfer girls i lived with, guys that lived across the hall, roommates,friends from home. I may KNOW a lot of people at this school, to say hi to, but i have no friends. I go so long without calls from anyone other than my mom or dad.

The worst part about all of this is that i do it to myself (Radiohead reference, haha.) I love self pity and sulking i guess. I am what I like to call an emotional masochist. I love causing myself emotional pain. Whether it be hooking up with a guy i know will never want me, or staying in on a saturday night even if i was invited to do something. Small examples. I am also a physical masochist although i don't always hurt myself on purpose that way. See i am murdering my liver in a violent manner and thats something I enjoy doing...not the liver murder per se but the drinking. I need it because its all i have right now. It is the only thing i look forward to, the only thing that gets me through the day. Plus it helps so much with sleep. And it makes me so fat. I have taken a few sleeping pills (sonata and rozerem) after binging so badly on dexedrine all day (WASTING it). Now im finsihing some beers. Should sleep for quite a long time. Homecoming is tomorrow...I even paid to drink at my sorority's tent but i wont go. Why? No one to go with...i barely see any of them and am hardly friends with them anymore. What a waste.

I miss Jill...shes my one friend I really miss right now. Britt I miss but she was supposed to come visit tomorrow and is bailing. I guess she prob has a good reason but I am just disappointed. It was all i had to look forward to.

I need to adopt a dog, i miss Waldo so much. But I need a job first.

anyways,

goodbye. <3