arienette's Journal

I have tried to keep a million "journals." Online and on paper. Can't do it. I used to be a good writer in high school. I can't even remember how to spell simple words these days. I mean...maybe the words aren't SIMPLE to everyone...but they are words I could've at least made a good attempt at spelling a few years ago. I can't even remember words now. I sit for...so long...staring....trying to remember a word that means "exaggerate" in a different context. It was a word I used....I knew...it was on the fucking TIP OF MY TONGUE. I can't even remember what the word was...and this was a problem I had TONIGHT while ATTEMPTING to write a SIMPLE paper.

My gorgeous, genious, 4.0 GPA roommate sits across from me. At one point she is in awe because I don't know what some word means.

My whole life....I have felt sorry for myself. Some people may think that I LIKE feeling sorry for myself.

I dont know...I have a hard time believing (isn't ironic that the word "lie" is right in the middle of the word believe?) that I could *LIKE* anything.

Before my mind wonders as it was about to....I don't think that I *LIKE* feeling sorry for myself / hating myself...I think that it is all I know. I think that it is what I am used to. I think that somehow I began these feelings at a very young age and they continued. I will admitt I don't like change. Sometimes my mind SCREAMS for SOMETHING NEW...ANYTHING....JUST SOMETHING.

But *CHANGE* is different, I think.

I am NOT saying that i'm right. I am wrong.. hey, you're talking to a girl that is mainly comfortable with feeling bad about herself...so sure...maybe all I am saying is wrong.

Maybe this is all for attention. Maybe thats why I have made huge scenes every single time a guy I was dating / liked / ex-boyfriend hooked up wtih another girl in front of me...

that is SARCASM...I do not do such things.

I am not gonna pretend I don't cry and CONSTANTLY complain to my friends about the same shit concerning guys, sex, and relationships....and I am amazed the friends I still have still talk to me.

But I also get lectured by some friends....why do you LET him do that? Why don't you scream at him? Why don't you break up him and his new girlfriends relationship? He screwed you...

Why? Maybe its cos I like feelng sorry for myself.

OR MAYBE its because deep down...really deep...then less deep...from the beginning...I KNEW he was going to fuck me over...i KNEW he didnt give a shit. Whether he made the first move, the last move, the most moves, or I did...either way he never gave me any reason to think he wanted anything with me. AND I KNEW THAT. And i allowed it to keep happening.

(just so everyone knows...this scenario i just described is a refrence to every guy i've concerned myself with for the last few years...although one may have provided a main frame of refrence.)

I like hurting myself maybe? This makes sense considering my past of cutting,alcohol abuse, drug abuse, compulsive sex crap, asking to be insulted, asking to be hurt (more or less)

UGHHHH

like most "journals" i cant write shit cos I cant keep my mind straight. my thoughts.

I dont sleep. thats why its 4:42 am on a (tuesday morning) and i am awake. speed, no speed, i cant sleep.

Then sometimes i sleep so much I can't wake up.

I am always tired.

But not sleepy.

I know its physical health related because I hurt myself so much with alcohol and drugs and lack of healthy diet. (eating disorder crap should be saved for a different entry on a different day.)

The point is...I am afraid. Nothing new. But I think its getting worse. At least its worse than it has been in a long time.

Have you ever just realized that you have nothing to look forward to?

Or...in other words...nothing you want to look forward to?

My 21st birthday is in 2 days...Ive wanted this for so long...I am younger than most of my freinds so I have been left out of the bar scene...

I am terrified.

of everything.

I am too old to feel so afraid of everything. To have such unresolved issues.

I have wasted the best years of my life.