Journal

I would also like to mention that I found out last week that my loving, amazing father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He had surgery to remove his prostate on thursday and his girlfriend (of 8 years) called me and informed me that everything went perfectly. I cried when my dad told me, but he is the strongest, smartest, most amazing person I know, so I wasnt as concerned as some people might have been. In addition, I know (and he reminded me) that prostate cancer is probably the "best" cancer to get (as sick as that sounds) because it has something like a 90% survival rate if treated on time (which it was).

Despite all of this, it is still terrifying. I love my dad so much and I have not given him the attention and love he deserves. My brother reminds me of this a lot.

My dad and his girlfriend are moving to San Fransisco in a month (across the country).

I am going to spend the day (because he probably wont have the energy to do much) on sunday.

I really regret not spending more time or calling my dad more often. I love him and respect him so much.

I considered moving to San Fran after graduation before, but I am considering a lot more seriously now.

I am so lucky to have a loving father (and mother) and I need to spend as much time with him as possible.

xoxox

<3

and so I do the things I do for pain. I guess I don't have the guts to cut myself or hurt myself any other DIRECT way these days. So I allow myself to "hookup" with guys that I know are using me. No matter what they say. Even, like last night, when i try to stop it from going too far. I give in. I know theyre using me. I know its A L W A Y S the same fucking story. I know 90% of them are in love with my playboy model-esque roommate.

I think thats why i let myself fall for them. Because I know, like all the guys in my past, they will never care about my existence beyond a night or two. It doesnt matter if theyre the best looking, nicest, funniest guy in the room or the opposite. If theyll take me, i'll probably let them. I know how it will end up. I tell my friends who try to say thats not true. I'm not un-like-able. But theyre always wrong, and I am always right when it comes to this shit.

Or maybe its just my attitude? Sure. But...no...I've tried being positive. Never works.

Living with a roommate that is a girl men pay money to see naked is a punishment i inflcited upson myself. Sure, I am friends with. Sure, maybe I love her for some reasons. But I knew when we moved in together I'd embark on the lonliest year of my life. I knew it and I wanted it. I want to feel this pain, emotionally, mentally.

Hello,

I really don't know what to write. Life has become this big, unrecognizable mass of nothingness. I barel have something that makes me smile, I havent felt excitment in months&months. There is no one I look forward to seeing at school (where I live). And there is definately no one who looks forward to seeing me. I can't come up with a thing to look forward to. I can come up with 1,000 things to look forward and fear.

I drink like 20 beers a day, give or take (every day of the week). I am so fat I can barely stand to rub lotion on my skin after a shower (which I need to do this time of year because my skin gets so horribly dry) b/c that requires me actually touching my body.

I have no real friends at school anymore, my own fault, mostly. My roommate  was who I let myself fall into hanging out with all the time, and now she has a boyfriend and being the third wheel is the worst (although it is a role ive taken on multiple, multiple times in my life). All of the other friends ive had at this school have been situational. Sorority, transfer girls i lived with, guys that lived across the hall, roommates,friends from home. I may KNOW a lot of people at this school, to say hi to, but i have no friends. I go so long without calls from anyone other than my mom or dad.

The worst part about all of this is that i do it to myself (Radiohead reference, haha.) I love self pity and sulking i guess. I am what I like to call an emotional masochist. I love causing myself emotional pain. Whether it be hooking up with a guy i know will never want me, or staying in on a saturday night even if i was invited to do something. Small examples. I am also a physical masochist although i don't always hurt myself on purpose that way. See i am murdering my liver in a violent manner and thats something I enjoy doing...not the liver murder per se but the drinking. I need it because its all i have right now. It is the only thing i look forward to, the only thing that gets me through the day. Plus it helps so much with sleep. And it makes me so fat. I have taken a few sleeping pills (sonata and rozerem) after binging so badly on dexedrine all day (WASTING it). Now im finsihing some beers. Should sleep for quite a long time. Homecoming is tomorrow...I even paid to drink at my sorority's tent but i wont go. Why? No one to go with...i barely see any of them and am hardly friends with them anymore. What a waste.

I miss Jill...shes my one friend I really miss right now. Britt I miss but she was supposed to come visit tomorrow and is bailing. I guess she prob has a good reason but I am just disappointed. It was all i had to look forward to.

I need to adopt a dog, i miss Waldo so much. But I need a job first.

anyways,

goodbye. <3