CherieS's Journal

After a long vacation from DS I am back.  Not sure how long that break was to be honest.  I can say I did a lot of soul searching to have found myself in the exact same spot as before.  lol  Meh... all in the journey.  I got approved for SSDI on my first application and it only took 2 months.  Which is good and bad at the same time.  Good because I dont have to worry about living expenses, etc.  But bad as the reason I was approved so quickly is my prognosis (sic) is bad.  That means they dont expect me to have a miraculous recovery from my anxiety anytime soon.  Good news is I am completely off of an addictive antianxiety meds, and completely off of the SSRI that in hindsite increases my suicidal idealization.

Most days for me are a bit of a blur.  I am not sleeping well.  I stay awake until I crash, and then sometimes sleep for 12 hour stretches.  I also tend to forget to eat and sometimes forget my meds.  And sometimes my schedule is so off I dont even bother.

Ahhh... I sound a bit of a downer.  lol  I'm not.  I'm lucky to have a good friend that checks on me most days and makes me laugh.  I dont know what I would do without her.  And she is forever patient with my inability to stay focused.

I am single once again as my last relationship did not work out.  He was unable to have any type of emotional connection.  His own demons, and it took me a bit to not see fault in myself.  It was also very hard for him to be intimate in anyway, so I also walked away feeling undesirable, or unwanted.

I had a friend die suddenly (some sort of heart problem) at the age of 34.  Mostly I'm struggling with why he died, and I lived.  Considering I gave a good go at trying to off myself about a year earlier.  And part of me struggles with the fact that I dated him.  It leaves me with a lot of what if questions.

So here I am, single and completely free.  My oldest son is in the Navy and doing well.  My daughter graduated from High School and is busy with her life.  My youngest son is living with his dad, and spending his time like a typical teenager.  I know part of me waited all these years until my kids grew so that I could finallly live my life for me.  Yet I certainly have the empty nest thing going.  I miss them so much.

My depression has been ok.  Some days arent so good, but I take it all in stride.  Now that I'm on disabilty I consider it my job to get better.  But I also realize that part of that is knowing... I'm not better now.  So depressed days are ok.  I'm far from that point of harming myself, and certainly never was close to harming anyone else.  Some days my anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks and there is absolutely nothing I can do.  Somedays I just take a nap, as there isnt much I can do.  And sleep does seem to help.

As for learning to trust men... I guess i dont give myself much opportunity.  Most men that want to be in my life end up pissing me off in a hurry.  lol  I've put off dating for a bit.  At least until Jeff's memorial race is over the end of this month.  What I will do after that I'm not sure.  But life is a journey and I'm just here to enjoy the ride.