kshort49's Journal

It has been 7 months since I've had a job. All of the jobs I've applied to have led to nothing. I feel horrible, like I am so lazy. I'm going to be 60 this year, and never thought I'd be in this position. I really don't know what to do.  I applied for a teacher aide job yesterday. When I ran my company's performing arts center, I was the one who hired teachers and aides to work for me. Now I've gone backwards, back to where I was in 1971 when I first started teaching-after 35 years of teaching, I've gone nowhere. When I was the manager of my program, I felt so proud-this is what I had worked for for 10 years at this company. When they "terminated" me, it is like all my hard work has been worth nothing. It makes me feel just like I am so useless. I spend almost all day on the computer or with newspapers looking for a job. And there is nothing. I have lupus, fibro, DDD, and breast cancer (in remission). People have said I should apply for disability, but I couldn't live on that. I'd know I'd feel a lot better, but at this point, it's not an option-I don't know how anyone living on their own could survive on disability. It might be an option at another point in time. Also, what I need is health insurance. I am still paying $490 a month for COBRA, because I can't let it lapse or else my med. conditions won't be covered. I need my chemo and meds for the lupus and fibro. I am just feeling like such a loser, when a year ago I was feeling so proud of myself. Even though I know I did my best, and it was from the fibro and lupus that I had concentration problems that led to my firing, I always feel that if I had handled things better, I wouldn't be in this position. How will I ever feel good about myself again?  I'm too old to be starting at the bottom again, and I just don't have the energy to start over again.  I'm so scared of losing my home-I'm so behind on my bills, taxes, etc. How do I get out of this hole? I keep praying for that door to open, but so far, no answer. My daughter has been home from school for Christmas, and I have really enjoyed having her home. But she will be going back to college on Sunday, then the house will be too quiet again. Oh well, somehow I'll have to get through this, and will try to keep positive.