Abotsd's Journal

did yoga class. omg. had to sit down before anyone else. got real tired. did ok. was limber but not enough energy. will try again on thursday. doing the best i can. exhausted. did machines. tredmill and bike. thighs, butt, arms, too. very hard. sweating a lot. heart rate up to 85, usually at 75. so that's good. will get it back. someone said i looked thinner. hope it's true. trying real hard to eat only when hungry.

son is angry at me. seems i can't write on his facebook page. so sorry. will get it all sorted out. where to write and to whom. don't want to ruin his personna. comes across very rough. doesn't need imput from mother, for g-d's sake. stupid. i really don't know how facebook works but will learn. got a nice mesage from nephew in mexico city. jonathan. he was such a lovely youth. now he's grown and my life got so stymied with fibro. missed family weddings, etc., too sick to travel. afraid of high altitute. got so sick in denver once. heard from neice, too. the one i dislike. nimoda. i just try to get along. barely. it's hard when someone doesn't like you. and doesn't admit it. just acts like it. so i missed out on husb's family. that has to be ok. with illness, like this one, choice disapears. listen to body. had to obey. stayed home and in bed for years. now i struggle to get strength back.

feeling lonely. no one will be here for thanksgiving. no one. not even my pal joan. kids will be gone. don't want to cook for us. will go out, maybe. depends on how we feel. lately i'm glad and relieved to be married. couldn't stand to live like this alone. checked into patientslikeme, there were plenty of fibros, cfs's, but only three on xyrem. it's moving so slowly. waiting for  gov. to catch up. forgot name of group that tests medicines. not epa. not dea. not cpa. brain fog.

anyway everyone and everything seems to be known by initials now. strange new world. and facebook. makes me realize how old i really am. instantenous communication , across time lines and across the world. practical. momentous. who could imagine this?

have massage later. last one paid by daughter. will miss it. need it. feels so rested afterwards. and smooth. time change has screwed me up this week, too. and don't think i kept my mask on the second time last night. woke up at 5:30am. which is usual for me at 6:30. takes a while to change body with time change. and it's been so cold at night and so hot during the day. 50 at night. 85 during the day. hard on body. took pill for cramps and am cotton mouthed for the whole damn day. used restasis for eyes, and still they're red and hurt.  can't wait to see if virus is involved and help is available. need to feel better. taking enough medications, G-d knows. still feel ill too often. too much of the time. and i figure i don't have that much time left. want to enjoy it and enjoy myself again. still too judgemental with self. therapist tries to get me to have empathy with self. in short supply in original family. married a guy whose too empatheic with everyone over everything. still feels guilty for little bird that died due to his fault. kids are mean and impulsive. it takes years to be civilized.

maybe there'll be stem cell help for us. that field is going gang busters. what an old phrase. from the 40's i bet. my dad still spoke like a victorian sometimes. he with six loving aunts. his mother one of 7 sisters and 1 brother. the brother who worked at the funeral home. we could go to relatives for everything. my first child was delivered by a cousin. grampa's death was guarded by his brother-in-law. i forget his name. will look it up. my grandmother never said she had to pee, always, i have to tinkle. so refined. they said her husband never saw her undressed. very proper. my psychiatrist couldn't believe we didn't have sex in high school. i told him, dr. it was the 50's. we had boyfriends not lovers. he was shocked. and i was not unusual. only lost virginity because i wanted to. it was dreadful. he was so old, i'm sure he's dead by now. hope so. he was in his 40's when i was sixteen. so by now he's 100.ha.

sitting too long. got to stop. back very sensitive from stretching all morning. creaked the whole class through.