Abotsd's Journal

got fitted with new mask. works much better. no leaking. had good and deep sleep, finally. he couldn't even read the machine on thurs., yesterday, so many mistakes. last night was good, though. hopeful again.

staying home today. got to conquer this virus. need the rest. bored silly but can't keep dragging this thing around. so one more day. don't want to go out and pick up something worse.

realized this week that my coverings are gone. anything that upsets me goes right in. like there's a portal in the center of my body that just reponds. feels hurt and gets shaky and vulnerable right away. shooting at shul in los angelos. son being sick in prague. name it, daughter being bitchy and pre-menstrual. just stabs me right in the center. need to feel more strength again. more ability to close off. to shut down the responses. to think my way through it. with daughter it took a few hours. an hour. and then i could reply to her nasty, "you should have a nurse".  when i asked her to bring me a cup of tea. i thought about it. then i said, later, "if you paid rent i could afford it."  so that was good. truthful and not too mean. mothers' words are very powerful. have to exercise control. she did apologize and a few hours later i accepted.

i really do take good care of myself and don't ask her for much i think. she does the dishes, which is great. but she'd do them with whomever she lived with. it's just one of life's duties.

entitled. she feels she aught to have more. but we have more when we work hard for it.

going to see boyfriend in chico and then driving back with boyfriend's mother. who she wants to stay with us for a few days. grim. i'm in no shape for company. no energy, money, or desire. she's a nice lady but i'm not interested in my daughter marrying her son. imposition. dtr says well, she's driving back with me. so, manipulated. need to think on this one. hate having company when sick. don't like to me noticed. watched. witnessed. such a little life i lead.

judged. don't want to be badly judged. without empathy and understanding i look very lazy.

no gym this week. no pilates. monday i tried. gave up. trying to get rid of this cold. enough.