Journal

don't have an excuse. too tired out today. not going out yet. just sad. know it will pass. like gas. wish i could fart it out. chemicals changing? got good blood test back. doubled up on diovan for blood pressure. still getting too high. woman arguing at receptionist's desk at drs., through me this week. went into the offices without permission to escape. of course my bp was way up.

should be going to pray. usually do this day. not now. don't want to greet anyone yet. just worn out for whatever reason. using new mask. will see sleep dr. this week to get results. graph on how it's working through the night.

bec left with bf for thanksgiving. house is much quieter and her dog left too, so it's very relaxing not having all the barking. i'm not commenting on b.f. not even in my head. trying not to. almost not.  (his fly didn't close), who wears pants like that?

reading books again. great help. eyes are painful but brain enjoys. can go at my own rate. tv drags me after it or takes forever. need own rhythmn.

want to read difficult books that i've piled up. right now just mystery. simple writing. james patterson. intriguing. feminist.

so not pushing self today. just letting sadness lay.....

really enjoyed pilates. so hard to do correctly. have only .5 of a class because i get so tired. worked really hard today. did treadmill for 8, as teach had asked, and bike for ten. went to senior lounge, chatted with some people. mom always said-to be alone is stone. so i mixed it up and ate a little muffin and had tea. pleasant. nice big tv. remote didn't work. read some good mags that were there. nice place of sit for an hour. then downstairs for class. at least i got out of the house. have to do that.

big traffic problems today. usually home in 5 minutes, took half an hour, each way. police investigation i believe. there was an accident there with cyclist who got killed by police car. lots of surveyers tieing up the area.

thank the lord i had raisins and water in the car, and meds, and did just fine. be prepared. can't stand being hungry. always try to have something to eat with me. apple, or hard boiled egg, raisins or nuts.

couldn't believe how down i was when i got home. used up all the energy, 9-l2pm. that's a long time to be out of the house. been resting since. it's cold today. nice weather for holiday. sorry that i won't be with family this thanksgiving. can accept it. do.

bek's boyfriend is visiting. she looks so happy. so maybe he is the one. good luck. i'll stay out of it. i promise myself. don't have the heart or energy to deal with them. it's their life already. she's almost 40 and should do as she pleases. just don't ask us for help. can't afford it anymore.

make it a short one. feeling so badly. must be about to rain. took the yoga. loved it. had to see dr. did it. just started to feel so stiff and pained, hardly could walk back to car. maybe the weights i used were too hard this morning. did 8 minutes on treadmill. and l0 on bike. sore as hell. and found out i haven't lose one pound in six weeks of very careful dieting. so there. blood pressure shot up. woman was fighting at drs' office about shingles vaacine. made me nuts. can't take any stress like that. i told her i paid for my own. insurance doesn't. then i pushed on and said to the lady behind the desk, is my dr.'s assist. in? i don't want to wait anymore.

so they took my pulse. very high bp. cuff hurt like hell. dr. says i'm doing great but doubled my b.p. meds. so we'll see. i told her i do better at home. she said, yeah but it's how you handle stress. well, really, i've got four kids and have been stressed all of my life. surrounded by maniacs. so here's to new dose for lowering blood pressure. relieved liver is doing ok what with all the pain meds.

just feel very fibro tonight. husb. wants to chat like normal people. i just want to forget i'm alive.

thanks, friends, for reading my journal. someday i'll do something wonderful and it won't be so damn dull.