Intersessa's Journal

I spent literaly the whole day just bingeing an purgeing....i cant believe it...i remember looking at the clock before my last purge, and i was like....omg, wtf.....i just binged and purged the day away.
I had plans for today, and things that i needed to get done, but NONE of it got done.  I stayed in my pajamas all day, and didnt take a shower, or stop bingeing and purging until 7pm.  I  woke up at 10am and binged and purged until 7pm.  The only reason i stopped is because my friend just got in from California and she and i wanted to visit with each other...also because my other friend is leaving to Edmonton tomorrow morning, very early, and we both wanted to see him before he left tomorrow.  So i basicly purged the rest of w.e, then took a shower and pretended like i did stuff today....when really i did nothing...well nothing logical for that matter.
I feel so much anxiety in this moment.....in this past month, more than I have in a very very very long time.  I feel extremely depressed, lost, confused, and crazy nonetheless.  I'm losing friends right left and center, and im lashing out to so many people, and hurting them in ways that reflect how i am hurting.  I feel very vulnerable, and afraid, and I am worried that others will take my vulnerability and mess with it, and try to manipulate me, exploit me, and humiliate me, and i can't bring myself to trust any other person or see their intentions any other way. 
My stress seems to be unbearable.  I feel as though i hardly know myself anymore.  I am numb and restless, and feel like there is nothing for me to hope for, have hope in, or rely on.  I feel immensly scattered in my mind, and i am abusing my body so much because of the abuse that i feel in my cognitive being. 
I feel pressured, and pressed, I feel tortured and turned, and I am ashamed to be myself.  I feel weak and wrong, all wrong inside and out.  I feel like the words i say have lost their meaning and that no one is truly able to hear my voice anymore.  I feel as though I have melted away from existance completely and that i have become detatched from the bigger picture.  Anyones life story that might potentialy involve me......well it seems as though my name has just rose and walked off the pages.  I feel ignored and misunderstood.  I am angry and tired......so very very tired, and i dont even have the energy to bring myself to help myself.
I am stuck, and cold, and i know i am reaching out for help, but everyone is so Goddamn blind that they just dont see it.  I wish for a break in my reality. I wish for a tidal wave of relief to sweep over me and carry me out into a sea of forgiveness, where i can wash away the sickness that has become of me.  I feel like every single fucking day, i am afraid to wake up and embrace the morning, because i know that the temptations of sickness await me, and they are the first words to be spoken in my head.  They bombard me, and control me, the obsess me and posess me, and I feel as though i am in bondage to them - to their power - and to the hell that they bring to my body.
I want to be me again.  i want to find myself again.  i want to feel genuine.  and i want others to know genuine when they see me.