Intersessa's Journal

I want to lose weight, but even then, I don't see how that will make me  happier?  I know it will give me more confidence, but deep down, I'll know that I'm really truly lieing to myself, and that how I'm treating my body is just extremely wrong, and life-threatening.  Evil is so intent upon stealing our joy, and manipulating all the things that make us feel good inside, to the point where they make us feel sick.  Everything about my body is hurting or aching right now, mainly just because when I look at any part of my body, I feel sick, and worried, I feel pained and dismayed, most of all disappointed in myself because I can't be what I want to be.
It's not even about 'wanting' to be skinny - it's about wanting to be myself, wanting to be that wonderful person I know that I can be, but am apparently too afraid to embrace her, and let her be.....So instead, the easiest thing to become, is skinny.  I can make that change, easily, and see progress within one week.  Maybe thats why fasting makes me feel like a winner, because I see that YES I am capable of achieving something, and YES that was ME who literally worked my ass off to get to where I am now.  I don't think the hands of time plan to give me much of anything more.  My body physicaly aches.  I'm hungry when I've eaten, and not hungry when I haven't eaten,and all I can think about is how ugly I am, and consistantly wonder what it is that others could possibly see in me that would make them want to pursue a friendship or relationship of any kind, with me.  To me, I am repulsive.  I am worthelss, and deserve to be thrown into the firey pits of Hell.  I am weak and pathetic, can't even see the world through straight eyes.  Even the sunniest, and most beautiful of days, are still the worst of days, because I am apart of them.