Journal

I feel like im really learning to respect people, but how do you avoid pessimistic perspectives?  Its so hard to be around ppl that find it difficult to be happy, especially when they have the opporunity, shouldnt they recognize that its worth it to try?

I am feeling so much better already.  I think a lot of it has to do with it being Spring Break.  I always try  to make changes over breaks or Holidays, as its a good time to reflect, and take time to rest and focus on the things I need to change within and for myself. 
I've been getting up in the morning to go in to work at a place called Cowichan Social Planning - I realy like it.  It's nice becuase I don't have to stay too long and its not extremely strenuouse of a job.  My mom's office is very close and we go for lunch together - this helps a lot.
Also, I made an effort to actually sit down with my mom last night and have dinner with her - it was really nice, and important to me, and I think important to her to see that I am trying so she will stop worrying so much.
I just feel better in general.  My body feels better and so does my mind.  It's a matter of having things to do through out the day to occupy yourself - no matter how hard it might be to get motivated, if you force yourself to pretend you are ready, evidently your mind kicks in and says - "ok im doing this now" and then  you become ready in a genuine sense.
I'm still waiting to find out about how much money I will be getting back for my car - which was a write-off.  I hope it is a decent amount as we have already begun the search for a new vehicle.
I'm hosting a party tonight, with lots of poeple in an average sized house.....although it is only one floor.  I am a little worried about the police showing up or things getting out of control - so if anyone happens to read this today...please pray for my protection and the protection of the house and the people inside of it.  I want things to go over well without too much chaos to have to deal with. 
Also, I realy want to get re-focused on school again, and approach it from a new perspective, because I've gotten a little destracted....but I do know that my ED was a huge part of why a lot of my studies didnt get done, or were merely touch and go effort - my ED was consuming my every spare moment - moments that I need dearly.  So I am hoping to make a huge dent in my school work perhaphs tomorrow...which would include me staying home alone to do so.....and that is when I am at my weakest, when I am home alone....so also pray that I can handle being a lone to work on my school work and actually get A LOT done, because I need the time and that day to do it and I dont want my ED to get in the way.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!
<33

I spent literaly the whole day just bingeing an purgeing....i cant believe it...i remember looking at the clock before my last purge, and i was like....omg, wtf.....i just binged and purged the day away.
I had plans for today, and things that i needed to get done, but NONE of it got done.  I stayed in my pajamas all day, and didnt take a shower, or stop bingeing and purging until 7pm.  I  woke up at 10am and binged and purged until 7pm.  The only reason i stopped is because my friend just got in from California and she and i wanted to visit with each other...also because my other friend is leaving to Edmonton tomorrow morning, very early, and we both wanted to see him before he left tomorrow.  So i basicly purged the rest of w.e, then took a shower and pretended like i did stuff today....when really i did nothing...well nothing logical for that matter.
I feel so much anxiety in this moment.....in this past month, more than I have in a very very very long time.  I feel extremely depressed, lost, confused, and crazy nonetheless.  I'm losing friends right left and center, and im lashing out to so many people, and hurting them in ways that reflect how i am hurting.  I feel very vulnerable, and afraid, and I am worried that others will take my vulnerability and mess with it, and try to manipulate me, exploit me, and humiliate me, and i can't bring myself to trust any other person or see their intentions any other way. 
My stress seems to be unbearable.  I feel as though i hardly know myself anymore.  I am numb and restless, and feel like there is nothing for me to hope for, have hope in, or rely on.  I feel immensly scattered in my mind, and i am abusing my body so much because of the abuse that i feel in my cognitive being. 
I feel pressured, and pressed, I feel tortured and turned, and I am ashamed to be myself.  I feel weak and wrong, all wrong inside and out.  I feel like the words i say have lost their meaning and that no one is truly able to hear my voice anymore.  I feel as though I have melted away from existance completely and that i have become detatched from the bigger picture.  Anyones life story that might potentialy involve me......well it seems as though my name has just rose and walked off the pages.  I feel ignored and misunderstood.  I am angry and tired......so very very tired, and i dont even have the energy to bring myself to help myself.
I am stuck, and cold, and i know i am reaching out for help, but everyone is so Goddamn blind that they just dont see it.  I wish for a break in my reality. I wish for a tidal wave of relief to sweep over me and carry me out into a sea of forgiveness, where i can wash away the sickness that has become of me.  I feel like every single fucking day, i am afraid to wake up and embrace the morning, because i know that the temptations of sickness await me, and they are the first words to be spoken in my head.  They bombard me, and control me, the obsess me and posess me, and I feel as though i am in bondage to them - to their power - and to the hell that they bring to my body.
I want to be me again.  i want to find myself again.  i want to feel genuine.  and i want others to know genuine when they see me.