brent72's Journal

     Well I spent all day yesterday trying to figure out what was going on with my laptop. Tried everything I could think of to get it to stop working so slowly. Finally decided I have some sort of virus I guess. Kind of weird though. It is just working very slowly and everytime I try and go to my anti-virus and update it. I get a message that says that it connot connect to the server. However if I go to my desk top computer it works just fine. So that means it must be something in my laptop. Well after trying everything I could think of I finally just gave up. I have this other laptop Debbie bought at work. I had loaded a copy of my XP from my laptop on it. It worked fine for the thirty days. Then it said I had to activate XP before it would continue to work. I thought it would not let me do that becuase it was already loaded on my other laptop. When all this happened I thought what the heck and tryed it. It took and I am using the Dell now. Maybe I will get something later telling me I can't do this, I don't know. I think I am going to wipe the disc on my old IBM and re-instal everything again. At least that way I know the virus will be gone.

     I am having trouble again with my BP. It is averaging 163/92. Just to high for all the meds I am taking. I have an appointment with my VA primary Dr. tommorrow. Debbie is going with because she is much better at remembering everything to ask. LOL  Hopefully he will have some ideas that she will be comfortable with. Most of my problem lately is that the VA doesn't want to give me the same meds I was on. They want to use cheaper meds. I just can't not use the VA though. Debbie works so hard and I feel so bad not doing my part. I just don't know what I can do other than cut my spending as much as I can. I just wish there were something I could do to make some extra money. We are managing to keep the bills caught up but there is nothing left over. She needs some new clothes baddly. There must be something I can do but I just haven't found it yet. It's tough finding something to do for work when you can't write (my hand shakes when I try to write), stand for more than a few minutes at a time, set only for a few minutes without being able to lean back and "stretch" my back and not be able to read more than a page or two before everything gets to blurred to read. I know that there are a lot of people out there much worse than me that are still working. I guess I am just a whimp. Last time I tryed to "grin and bare it" I just lost it and had to leave or set there and cry in front of everyone else in the place. Used to be able to deal with lots of stress don't know why I can't anymore. I think the meds have helped but since I stay away from stress it's kind of difficult to tell if they are really working enough to attempt to go to work somewhere. Then on the other hand it has been 3or4 years now since I have helf a job, I probably couldn't get hired anyhow. I tryed to go to Voc Rehab gut they told me to come back when I was much more stable. Don't feel very stable. My moods swing at the drop of a hat.

     I am up to almost 290 lbs. now. I have this idea in the back of my mind that if I keep gaining weight that I will just over tax my heart and have "the big one" then I'll be gone. Debbie will have the life insurance and life will be so much easier for her. Seems that I don't interest her anymore anyhow. Kind of like living with your sister. Not much physical contact here at all. Just a little hug in the morning when she leaves for work. I tryed to initiate a little "snuggling" the other morning but as soon as Duke let her know he was hungry that was the end of that. I just didn't sign on for this. I thought that being married would envolve a lot more intamacy. I spend some time on the Healthy Sex group. It is so refreshing to hear them all talk so freely about sex. I guess I just grew up in a time where you didn't talk about it much. At least not with your spouse. Seems that it is just supposed to "happen". Maybe all my "oat sowing" has caused me to have two wives that were just not into sex. At least not with me.  God is just giving me a little pay back for my "wild" days.  LOL   I wasn't that wild but did have more than a few "hook ups" while not married.

     I have a couple of friends here that have sons that have been incarcerated unjustly. It is so sad. Why is it that it seems that everytime it comes down to "he said, she said" that the man usually looses? I have an old friend that was one of my EMT instructors that is now on the Sexual offenders list. I don't know if he really did what he was accused of or not. From what I remember it is a little difficult to believe that he would molest a girl in the back of an ambulance!! It is just not fair that just because someone thinks that a man "touches" a girl, older or young, in an "inopropriate" way that it shoud ruin there entire life. How is a man supposed to help give his daughter, or step daughter, a bath? That sure as hell could be termed as "inaproperiate" touching if he is doing it "right". Or changing a diaper? I have heard of teachers giving students hugs and then being charged as a sexual offender !!  That is just stupid. Believe it or not these types of things are some of the reasons I did not want to have kids. All you have to do is make your daughter upset at you and the next thing you know you are a "sexual offender" for life. It is jut not right. I am going to try and get more involved with groups that are trying to help these guys that are unjustely charge and convicted. Even if they did do what they have been charged with. They are still human beings. I know there are lots of people here that were sexually abused. I am just not able to understand how this can be so devistating. I guess it's because I'm a guy. I would have loved to been taken advantage of in my young years by and older woman that would have taught me. LOL  I guess it just isn't the same for women and some guys though.

     Well I had better quit here. I don't want to bore my friends that do as I do and read friends journals.  LOL  Sorry if this is to long. Just wanted to vent a little I guess and see what kind of responses I get. That way I will learn more about myself and my defects. LOL