brent72's Journal

     Feeling a little better today. Not sure why though. I have started taking an additional med that my new VA shrink put me on. It is supposed to help with the depression and help my energy level. Not sure if that is what is helping though. I think I will also ask her about maybe I am becoming bi-polar. The other day I was so deep in a hole and before the day was over I seemed to be much better.

     The last couple of days my fingers have been really bad. Just very painful and stiff. Wish I knew why they are like this. I wonder if it is because of the way I support myself every time I have to bend over. I rest some of my weight on my knuckels. I can use my hands to rest on because then my wrists hurt so bad. If I don't support some of my weight when I have to bend over then there is to good a chance that my back will "go out". Can't have that happen. That puts me out for a few days. Not an option at all.

     Debbie sort of knows about this site. I am very vage about it with her though. I don't want her to want to look at what I write. She is under so much pressure already because of dealing with me and trying to make us enough money to keep all the bills paid. I don't want her to know just how bad I am feeling. The other day when I was in one of my deep dark places and crying, she ask what was the matter. I just told her my hands and back where hurting. That was true they where. However that was not what had me in such a hole. It was that she seemed to be a little depressed herself. Every time she seems that way I just go down fast. I know that she is feeling that way because of me. I know that she worries about our financial out look. We do not have nearly enough set aside for any kind of retirement. I don't worry about that because I don't figure I will make it that far anyhow. Then she will have my life insurance money to live on. I am not feeling sorry for myself here. I am very much in control of my emotions right now. The simple fact is I am a burden to her. I am not out there making my share of the income to keep us going and keeping the bills paid and having some left to save. I know we are much better off than a lot of people. But that does not make our position any different. We have two maxed out credit cards. The are all my fault. The were either my spending or neccesarry because I was not making an income for the years before my SSD came through. We have a second on our house because we paid off the cards when we refinanced the house. Now we are right back there with maxed out cards again. When we met the only debt she had was her house. She had several thousand dollars of equity in it. Now we are probably upside down with our house. I know it is me.

     I do not type in all this stuff hoping that someone will have answers for me or pitty me. I find that "telling" "online friends" is very theraputic. It is so much easier to tell someone that you really don't know all your most private feelings. Especially when you know that they will understand because they too have been there or are now. I appreciate all my friends here on DS.

     Some good friends have suggested that I should change my avatar. I am really not keeping it to make myself feel bad. I am just keeping it because it just fits so well. It is what I am. I guess I think that looking at it kind of reminds me that I need to do more around the house to help Debbie so she doesn't have to do so much here too. She is working over time at work. She is the only one left in her entire department. They have fired the top three people. If something were to happen to her we would be in some really deep do do. We would loose the house and everything. We do not have enough saving to keep us afloat for very long. I know that she is aware of this as am I. Just that alone is a great deal of pressure. I know that if this happens I will have to find a way. The insurance money is the only thing that would save her from being homeless.