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brent72 
2:42pm, December 26, 2008
Well I fell into a deep hole yesterday. Every time Debbie seems a little down or depressed herself this happens to me. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I just feel so much of a burden. We have not been intimate in over 2 years! I try to snuggle up to her like I did yesterday morning and she just decided that the dog had to go out right then. This always happens. I tried to hug her yesterday and she just kept her arms at her side. That is when I dropped into the hole. I just completely lost it again. Just set there and cried. I have not done this in quiet a while. I am better today though. Just not sure why. I decided to put up the current avatar becuase it just fits how I feel so well must of the time.
I am still eating alot. I think that I feel like if I stay overweight that I have a better chance of my heart giving out. I am more in control of my emotions now than I was with my last journal entry. I am always thinking that she would just be much better off with the insurance money than me. She just doesn't seem to want me anymore. I am just someone to be here so she is not alone. I can't blame her for not wanting me anymore. I do not work. I sleep with a mask ( my CPAP). I sleep with a "pad" on my side of the bed. I set around the house all day. I am just not some one that any woman would want to be intimant with.
I need to go for now. She is in the shower and will be out soon. I will write more tommorrow.
Comments
Is there a staircase in your deep hole? Do you think you can turn around and come up that starcase?
Do you think you can dance with the dragons fears?
Judibm
I think all of us with a disease or injury feel this way at times--we think about how much our life has changed and how much of a burden we are. And I find it so difficult to give up any little bit of my independence. I try to hang on to it so strongly--then I think if I don't do it, who will?
You are not alone in these feelings. It is up to you though on how you move forward.
pcoon