Journal

Yesterday he moved out of 'our' house. I moved out nearly 5 months ago, a month after finding out about an  affair he was having with a coworker. An affair that was taking place at the same time as he was coming home to me and 'working' on our marriage. The night I found out was the night of his 40th birthday party. We were at a local sports bar/grill and I must say he was in rare form that night...I look back and I cant believe how ridiculous he behaved, and how pathetic I was. I cring from embarrassment when I recall how he flirted outragiously with the waitresses, his friends wives, other people at the bar...everyone but me. I kept trying to pull him to the side to talk to me, to dance with me, and he would practically pat me on the head and walk away. I remember a time, not so long before that, when 'we' were the couple everyone wanted to be...I remember sitting in restaurants and waiters/waitresses commenting on us (really this happened three times at three different places)..."you two are really in love arent you"..."newlyweds? you can tell"....I pray for the day when those memories are sweet echoes and not twisting knives in my heart.

Our wedding was beautiful. Small, only about 50 people, and we had it here in Vegas at a place called Rainbow Gardens. It was indoors, but the site used to be a huge greenhouse, so it was all done up inside as if you were outdoors...sounds tacky I know, but it was so beautiful and elegant. I'll never forget the way we both were crying so much we could barely choke out our I do's....the way that our family and friends laughed through their own tears at us. Several of our friends both told us, at different times that it was the most touching, sincere wedding they had ever been to..Cinderella and Prince Charming.

now...It is something to happened to someone else, in another life. After i found out about the affair, he moved to his mothers for a short time. I found an apartment and moved out a month and a half later. He moved back to the house. The house is now up for sale, and Sunday he and my stepson moved out. I cant explain why that hit me so hard. Logically, I know he is not the 'one', he himself has told me a hundred times how sorry he was that he chose to end 'us' in that way, that he feels like a dirtbag...but he has never once ask me back, and for that one thing I am grateful. False hope is killing, even I know that.  He is not living with, and he has told me (although his credibility is severly shot with me) that there is no one, that he learned his lesson finally with all the pain and destruction this caused. I think while he was living in 'our' house, I had some type of twisted security, that somehow, someway, he and I still....lived. Not even that we are supposed to, but I wasnt ready to completely seperate my heart away...but now it's real. He is in his own place, and I am in mine. He even took with him to his new place, all the pictures, wedding stuff, christmas ornaments....things I just havent been strong enough to face. Things maybe that are better left alone.

I wish I could say that I am all better...that 6 months later I am at the "we loved, we lost, go in peace"...sometimes I am...most times I'm not.

2 weeks after I found out what happened, before i moved out, our cat - Stirfry (crazy name/lon story) was hit by a car right in front of the house. My husband had come back the night before, and spent the night in an extra bedroom we had for some reason, I cant even remember the reason now...pretty much from April 27th on there was no communication accept tears and anger at that point...he woke me up in the morning and told me that Stirfry was gone. I felt like the world was just caving in...everywhere I turned there was pain on top of pain...what I thought was my best friend, my husband, betrayed me and broke my heart, my beautiful little cat, who had laid next to me and absorbed my tears and let me pet him for hours had been killed...dear God I was a female country song...man leaves, work sucks, cat dies....

So Sunday, after he and his stepson had moved everything out, and werent there, I went to the house. I went into the backyard and sat next to the little patch of grass where Stir-fry was buried...and I thanked him, his spirit for the comfort he gave me. I know it sounds insane, thanking a dead cat, but he was my friend...so I thanked him and said goodbye.

Then I turned and looked at the house, I had not seen the house since the day i left, 5 months ago...I looked at every window and i could see the movie in my head...what had happened behind those windows...good and bad...i looked at the kitchen window, and I remembered the night he told me "I know this is crazy, I know I am offering you chaos, but would you marry me" How I laughed and cried that night. See, we were a blended family. I had one son 11., he had three kids, all living with him, 9, 11, 13 - two girls and a boy. The Brady Bunch.

I kept looking at the window, and I remembered that last night...him telling me it had been over forever, he just had been selfish and did not tell me....he had used me for a mother to the kids, help with bills, security...but his heart had been gone for a long time...

One window held the most beautiful and the most painful reflections of my life.

Now I feel in some ways as if I am grieving the loss all over again...keep moving ..keep moving..what else is there?

So, I spent friday night very sad and sorry for myself...my son was at a halloween party (he's 18), and so it was just me and the cat. I was hoping for some cute little kids in costumes to cheer me up, but I live on the third floor of our condo complex, so I guess that hike was just a little too much for the kids (dont blame them, i hate bringing up groceries!)...I had to laugh at myself just a little...I thought wow, if spending Halloween messes me up this much, what is Thanksgiving or Christmas gonna do? Yikes!

I realized later that what I was really sad about didnt have anything at all to do with Halloween, but what this time of year has symbolized to me. Halloween was something to get through, so the 'real holidays' could start...this is the time of year I would start shopping, hiding stocking stuffers, planning dinners, figuring out where to put the tree. Those things are gone now, and I feel it dearly...this time with my family, my husband and step children is gone now and I feel like I am in mourning all over again   I know that so many here are going through these types of emotions right now, the holidays just make you feel like the whole world has got something that you dont...reality is different, I know, but reality doesnt mean much at 2 in the morning when you wake up from a dream of times gone by...realize your alone...and cry again.

So, I decided to try something different. Literally, anything different...over the weekend I MADE myself leave the apartment, even if it was just a few minutes at a time. I finally went down to the community gym, and used the treadmill (only took me 4 months ha ha), and then I sat outside by the pool and read a great book for awhile. It was beautiful outside, sunny but cool in the 70's. I suprised myself by feeling just a little of the heavy weight in my chest lift...so, it was a little step.

i'm going to try to take these little steps every day, something out of my usual routine of work, home, sleep...work, home, sleep...the way I see it, nothing out 'there' is as intimidating or lonely as what has been inside 'here' all these months...time to try and join life again.