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scumm311 
4:22pm November 17
At this point I'm not really sure what is rational thinking and what is caused from the medicine. It seems that ALL the things I can't change are haunting my every thought. Paranoia doesn't quite explain what's going on up in my head at times. My father has high blood pressure and when he found out today that it was 177 over 120, or something very high, he was completely nonchalant about it, like saying the machine was broken and not wanting to do anything about it. Everyone tried to keep the information secret from me, because they knew I would react strongly, but my brother came in and told me. I flipped out after he shook it off to be nothing. I was throwing things, screaming at the top of my lungs, and I have been in a numb out of body mood all day long. I can't stop crying, its so strange, I cry and my body shakes and my chest is beating so fast it actually hurts. It is hard to catch my breath, I can't stand it. I feel like I have no control, like this is a nightmare in the future staring me straight in the face and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Am I being paranoid? I don't really know to be honest. I just want him to say I will try my hardest to lower it, and I realize it is a problem. He is on medicine too and it is still high. Am I overreacting? I tryed to turn to God and meditation during this breakdown today, all which helped for the temporary but then my mind starts stirring again and I feel like i don't care about anything. I worry every night that something tragic is going to happen to someone in my family, I wish there was some kind of guarentee that nothing bad would happen, but no such thing exists. We have these preventative measures we can take but there's always a risk. I don't worry about my own self as much, because I take care of myself as best I can but I can't control what others are doing. My mom drinks every day, my younger brother is in college and I'm sure experimenting and the worst part is I don't think he has God in his heart, my other brother hates me, he thinks I'm a total waste but I still worry all the time that something might happen. Where does all this worrying get me? absolutely nowhere, so I pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, but with the wisdom to know the difference, are some of those things I can change? Am I going crazy or is this rational? I feel like I can't leave home because I wouldn't be able to deal with getting a call that something happened while I wasn't there. I feel terrified writing this all down but I needed to put it into words.
Comments
Are you on anti depressants hon? Either way I would inform your doc, you do not have to feel so out of control. I felt like that not to long ago, saw the doc and made a med change. There are options for you.
jkbearhug
The last couple weeks are the hardest scumm I agree, prayer and meditation does help alot. I would inform your doctor too, maybe you've been numb and now everything is starting to show? Thats how its been for me, I was numb for awhile, not I get emotional about little things. It sounds like your anxiety is really high, when mine is like that my mind races every bad thought possible. I don't think your overreacting about your dad too, it seems like your the only one that really cares about his health I would have been pissed too. Try to take it easy and call your doctor, let him know how you feel!
AndNicole
I'm sorry that you have those uncontrollable fits, you might need some anxiety medication.
while on treatment, I was on paxil, and was so paranoid at time, especially near the end, I would even put my car in the garage, phone off the hook, and never, never answer the door if someone came to see me.
It took quite a while to get out of this housebound situation.
I am now on anxiety medication, and they do wonders for me.
But again sometime I take one day day, some months I have to ask my doctor to prescribe 2 a day.
last year I was a victim of a home invasion, and had to take 3 a day to get through this uneasy feeling we get when feeling paranoid, or panicky.
Lately I am only on 1 a day, but should really take 2.
The name of the pills I'm on are effexor, they are the best.
Helps also when in a large crowd.
As for your Dad, don't you think that deep down in his heart he was worried, but probably didn't want to add to your stress.
Stress is not good for you love, so try to meditate and pray to God to help you though this....
I am here for you, if you need to vent.
Love & much respect to a fellow Warrior.
Mckenzie one day at the time.
Mckenzie
Thank you... I am not on anti depressants they make me feel very jittery and uneasy. I am on anxiety meds which I would never sleep without. The minute I turn the lights out to go to bed in when I remember to take it. I jump right up and turn on the lights, my heart racing and I'm scared to death.
scumm311