Journal

I really did do a horriable thing to my sister. I have been dating her ex. I make all these excuses like they have not been together for over four years but the truth is that does not matter to her and she should have mattered to me more then my feelings for this guy. The truth is I am 29 single with 2 kids and my dream is to be married and have a house full of kids. I am never going to find anyone and that scares me. I have messed up my life and I am so sorry and now I do not know how to fix it. I want to be married so bad. I suppose I need to get over that but to be honest I do not know how. And now I am all alone, I have lost my family and I have to change churches because my family goes to my church and it is tiny and my sisters tend to talk a lot of crap. I really feel like I am floating in the middle of the sea all alnoe and I am not sure what to do. I really need a girlfriend who will love me in all my mess and be a support to me but I suppose that is a lot to ask and I really do not know where to find one. God please help me.

Well Christmas is almost here and I have a huge decision to make. None of my four sisters are talking to me, but my parents are going to have santa come over on christmas eve and they want the grandkids there. The problem is that I for one will feel uncomfortable with the fack that everyone is friends and they all hate me. It does not feel good to be the one no one likes and to be surrounded by them may be too much. But for the kids I would be willing to tough it out however my problem is do I really want my kids around all that drama. My son is 8 and I do not want him to think that you ever treat ANYONE the way my family treats each other. I really feel bad for my parents and it makes me sad that my kids have all this family that they can not be around but I do not think that this is a good situation for my kids. Therefore I think that I will not be going to my parents for christmas eve and I think that it is time for me to find another church. This is so sad. If anyone reads this please pray for my family!!!!! I love them so much and I just want us all to get along.

Things have been going so very crazy. My family has decided that they do not like me, because my sister is married to my x's brother there seems to be a divided line. She chose my x's side and now she is blaming that on me. I was really hoping that people would not feel the need to take sides but I guess that was wishful thinking. I am now looking for some kind of support group for lonely women. I just want some friends. That sounds sad but I am 29 and I really do not have any girlfriends. I was always hanging out with my brothers and sisters. Now that they do not talk to me I am at a loss. But I do know that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan and I am choosing this day to believe that. I know that he loves me!!!!!