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PlagueAngel 
9:03pm, May 11, 2009
ok so im just trying to sort though my head and im going to write a timeline about whats been going on to create this whole void of uncertainty.
i realise its probably fairly obvious whats going on, but i am the kind of person who always listens to both sides of the story.
my intstincts obviously arent very strong, but its hard for me to completely dismiss what he has said, and his reasons or excuses or what ever they may be.
i have tried for so long to keep this relationship above water, im failing. i know but i guess my body and mind arent ready to totally give up yet.
so here goes. the events in order:
first incident:
Sam and i are having troubles, we have decided to try to work things out, after alot of umming and ahhing on my part. he then tells me he is making a quick move to a place called coffsharbour, why that place of all places i dont know it puzzles me. he says he cant be involved in mine or talons life anymore and that he is dissappearing there. i ask who is he going with and he says a bunch of his friends are going there.
i see a wall post on facebook, its from a girl named LAURIE, she is young and dumb (so much more than me i might add) pretty and very excited to tell him she has found a house in coffsharbour...
of course alarm bells ring and i confront him about it, he says its a coincidence and i can ask his friends if he was going with them. i wouldnt trust any of his friends tho so it wouldnt work. he says he will delete her to show me she is nothing to him, she is infact his brothers friend and just an aquaintence. i leave it there and try to get over it.
second incident:
things are starting to get better with the two of us. we see each other often and apart from the odd squabble here and there we are starting to get better.
sam has said i can use his facebook for a certain game and lets me log in when ever i need to. he was on his FB while i was watching telly and got a message. he jumps up and says that his friend his is at his house waiting for him and he needed to go and meet him, he wouldnt be long. so i got up and went on FB to play my game, i needed to send myself some money on it so logged into his. a chat box came up, it was the chat session he was having just before he left to a girl called JODIE. i couldnt help but read it, and what i found was this.
look i know your probably sick of me saying this but i am so so so sorry if i made a fool of myself that night, how did we even get back to your place anyway?
she replied you drove :)
he then went on to apoliogise for driving when drunk and that alcohol was bad. and then started making cutsie jokes about his heritage etc. and that he saw her working at the news agent and did she notice him.
he didnt have a phone cos he had lost it when he was out drinking one night ( he was drinking every weekend so this night could have been at any point) hours went by and he didnt come back and i had no way of contacting him. then he finally turned up and my rage had turned into a giant flaming ball and i simply asked who jodie was (i was shaking like a leaf) i told him i had read his chat sesh and knew there had been a 'night'
he said it was when he was with his ex GF and he had cheated on her, his excuse... because she was a bitch and he hated her. even tho he knew it was wrong. i told him this damaged my trust in him even more.
i said IF this was the case why did he decide now was a good time to bring it up. he said he didnt know and knew now that he had fucked up.and he should have left the past in the past.
he deleted her from FB as well.
i saw her a few weeks later in the street and she looked at me, i dont know if i was just being insecure and paranoid but i felt like she was being odd. she looked at me for a bit then put her head down. and walked away.
this did damage my trust quite alot. but still i tried and still i moved away from this trying to understand that it could have been the truth.
third incident (present):
sam and i are struggling he has been working on his music ALOT and i hardly see him, if i do its only for a short time at dinner then he says he is very tired and needs to go home to have an early night, i presume its cos he wants to go and smoke because i have told him he cannot come here when he is not sober. so i ask him to be honest with me and stop making excuses cos it pisses me off more than if he was actually to say im going home to get smashed.
he tells me he knows and will try.
one day he says he is coming home from work to have a coffee with me on his lunch break, he then texts me and says he doesnt have time because he has to do a load of washing. i said oh right, and made it blatantly obvious that i was not entirely sure i believed him and implied that i knew he was going home to have a smoke. (mean while i have decided to let him be distant by doing the same thing myself and see if he noticed, he did and i confessed that it was a stupid idea and immature to play games but i just wanted him to see what life is like for me.)
he flew off the handle and said he couldnt take anymore of my accusing him of lying and that i could go watch him do his washing ( which he knows i wouldnt bother) and that he needs a break from us.
there go the alarm bells again. what does a break mean to any normal person? the easy way out of a relationship, and/ or a need to be unfaithful and to go about seeing someone else in a technical manner so that he can go back to the previous relationship without guilt?
i said point blank that i would not and am not capable of a break. this was about a week ago, and since then i have hardly seen him at all.
i got a message one night saying
"i love you ainsley. xoxo please believe that. i wish i was holding you now."
i didnt reply OR instigate another message at all i went to sleep.
the next morning i got this message
"wrong person sorry. Ains is bein a dog about talon and wont let me have him. i selected the wrong person. lol. Soz."
i saw red!! i have NEVER EVER stopped him from seeing his child i never would!! he knows this infact he is the one who says HE cant see talon anymore (if we break up) because he reminds him too much of me and it would kill him.
i texted him back and admittedly called him all the names under the sun, i told him he was a liar and i didnt know him. i asked what the original message was supposed to have said cos i didnt recieve one and who he was texting, i told him that i knew he must have sent a fake message to someone to use the sympathy card and that it was pathetic.
he said it was his brother. and that he was making an excuse because his brother asked if he was taking Talon to thier mums for mothers day. and he didnt want to go.
i said then he should have simply stated no because ainsley is his mother and she will want him. not say i am with holding our child from him!! that could land me in court and LOSE talon!!
im still unsure and dont think it was his brother.
he asked to fix things, he asked to see me and every time he said he was coming over he would put it off then tell me he couldnt come. or i would save him the trouble and tell him i had to do something else ( like crying in bed)
things started to settle down over the past few days, we had spoken a bit and decided we would fix things. he told me at 3 in the arvo yesterday that he was having an HOUR jam and would come over strait after. and i qoute... "i promise i will only be an hour, i promise i wasnt to see you i love you"
3 hrs later i asked him if he was coming over for dinner and he said no because he was still recording his music with his friends ( scott and Aaron) and would be over at 8:30
i got really annoyed and told him and we had ANOTHER argument. then i got a text saying
"how was the waxing?"
i questioned him and he told me that it was meant for his friend Aaron. his GF was waxing his leg for a dare.
i pointed out that he told me aaron was at his house playing music and he replied that aaron had gone home early.
you know the first thing i thought lets not go into the details....
i got to thinking, sam has me in his phone a Lilith, not ainsley so chances are that if he had bumped the selection down or up tro my name by accident then it would have been an L or K name. i know i might be delving into this a bit much. but L?.... Laurie!! he had added her again on facebook this week to spite me he says. but how do i know for sure?
this morning i left the house to drop Brodie off to school, i saw his car was not infront of his house as it always is. i left the front door open when i took brodie to school in a fluster.
i rang him when i got home and asked him where he was and he said at home in bed
"wheres your car then?"
"oh Azza (Aaron) must have taken it home last night cos i went to bed early."
"i thought aaron left your place at 6:30-ish last night?"
" HE FUCKING DID! he came back!!"
then he went off at me, and told me to get fucked and all the usual; bullshit... so now im sitting here going WHAT THE HELL!!!!??????
he is still saying he loves me and there is no one else. but how do i believe him?
am i jumping to conclusions? am i being "a mental case" ?
or do i just try to find some strength and go with my feelings on this?
i know this sounds like it should be easy but its not, i guess i need to lose the connection with him. i just dont know how...
Comments
So many trust issues. The best thing to do is either get counseling or just move on from this toxic frenzy.
ZXJ
Honestly hon???
I honestly think you should have gotten rid of him that time he struck you.
I think he is full of shit and that he is playing you and he is too stoned and/or drunk to remember the lies he tells, he is getting caught in them and trying to make you think you are crazy.....there are WAY too many excuses....way too many....
You deserve better.
That is ONLY my opinion from what I have known of things that have gone on to this time with this journal.
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} & love
~Rima
Kaino
How many red flags do you need? I don't mean to sound harsh but this guy is drinking almost every night, smoking (I assume weed), having FB chats with other women, denying everything even in the face of evidence. Most articles I've read suggest that if you think an affair is happening, it probably is. Z is right--get some counseling and move on from this loser. Hugs!
hurtinandhealin2560
How many red flags do you need? I don't mean to sound harsh but this guy is drinking almost every night, smoking (I assume weed), having FB chats with other women, denying everything even in the face of evidence. Most articles I've read suggest that if you think an affair is happening, it probably is. Z is right--get some counseling and move on from this loser. Hugs!
hurtinandhealin2560
How many red flags do you need? I don't mean to sound harsh but this guy is drinking almost every night, smoking (I assume weed), having FB chats with other women, denying everything even in the face of evidence. Most articles I've read suggest that if you think an affair is happening, it probably is. Z is right--get some counseling and move on from this loser. Hugs!
hurtinandhealin2560
Sorry--stupid computer. Didn't mean to post three times.
hurtinandhealin2560
I agree with the others, I think counseling would do you a lot of good and it really does sound like you need to be away from him.
aggiedolphin823
i don't like telling someone what to do when i don't know all of the story but hun i would run like hell and get away from this guy. he is telling you lie after lie and no one deserves that bullshit.you deserve better than this and do what it takes to get bette. hugs to you and i can tell you from my experience that once a liar always a liar.
carolina320
most of the time your instincts are always right!!
Hokte
And I would agree with the counseling.....for YOURSELF.....this relationship sounds too far gone to be saved....too many hurts, lies and pain.
Maybe he can go get counseling for himself....preferably drug/alcohol rehab..
{{{hugs}}}
Kaino
We women have pretty good intuition. If you are suspicious chances are you have a reason to be. You don't want to be with anyone who has substance abuse problems already. Trust me!
DebOne
hey there
I know that it is hard to see because you are in it and it is hard to face. But, you should think about yourself and your son. He does not seem to respect you or any women for that matter. Look after your heart and move on.
charlotta
In all that you wrote two things stuck out..................too much smoke and too little trust. Not that it could not be repaired but it would take lots of work and therapy. He hides too much and sneaks around too much and I think you are so much better than that. Your child needs a better environement than that. Either you cut it off completely or you work on it intently but you cant continue this way, it is going absolutely nowhere except to damage your psyche even more. Hugs
Shelly4
Not sure what to say. But it sounds like you have some trust issues to work out. Are you married? I see you have a child together, but don't live together? It sounds to me like he wants his freedom.
Mamalyn
Time to move on. That's my two cents worth. Too much drama and not enough of what a relationship should be. Sorry to be blunt. You deserve better.
Bert55
Ok hun. not sure if you want brutal honesty or sugar coat it. so i am going to try to go in between. Get away from him! he sounds like to me he has someone else and just like everyone else says, you need to go to counseling, get stronger and leave him and his bullshit! he obviously doesn't know how to tell the truth. as long as you are with him, you will be destroyed mentally and emotionally. so please don't stay with him. i am here for ya if ya need someone to talk to.
crzychik
in everything you wrote I think it might be time to move on,you have lost the trust facture and you are right so start getting strong and believe in yourself.Do what you need for you and the little one
Tigers55
I don't know the history here, but there is one thing that is very obvious - you are not happy in this situation.
In a good relationship, there is no need for jealousy even if a man has female friends or contacts on social networking sites. You could feel secure in knowing that your man is with you simply because that is where he wants to be... and he would show you the respect and consideration that you deserve.
That doesn't seem to be happening here. It sounds like you want him to be the man you need him to be, for him to treat you how you need to be treated. Sad thing is, men come as is... you can't change him, can't fix him, can't make him anything... the only one you get to work on is your own self. Counseling for yourself seems to be good advice... to either help you deal with this relationship flaws and all or to help you become strong enough to be willing to step away. Best of luck to you!
Mars
Bluntly, I would dump his ass and start in counseling to heal. Think about it - what does he offer you? He is probably screwing around on you, abusing drugs, saying he is going to abandon his child - what a jerk! He is so not worth it.! Strength to you and warmest hugs.
Lynne
lycesq
Leave him babe, if he wants you, he will be yours, if not he was not yours to begin with. But if you feel not sure about yourself, try to work things out..........
Bestplayer
Ains You have SO MUCH more potential for life than that loser and you are SO MUCH worth more than that also.
Druid
both you and your son deserve so much more.. the drinking, the driving while drinking, the smoking... these things alone mean he must go.. these problems will only get worse...
I agree with what someone said about intuition.. If you feel he is cheating, he more than likely is.. Get some counseling and let him go..
any man who says they wont see their child because they remind him to much of you isnt worth holding onto anyway... most of the men on DS would kill to see their kids..
He sounds like an overall a$$hole.. walk away while you still can
Czarna
This is a guy to leave behind. I am sorry to say so because I realize you feel for him...... but he is NOT partner material.
boyd52
do you LIKE the drama? do you LIKE the bull that is going on? do you enjoy not knowing what personality you're going to find the next day when you wake up? Do you LIKE the feeling that you just don't know what's going on?
Whether he's cheating or not, (IMHO- YES, this one can't keep it in his pants) you need to walk for your own sanity. You may be taking bits of little stories and making big ones up in your head, but you're going to give yourself a breakdown trying to figure it all out.
Not
Worth
Your
TIME.
alittleconfused
So when is he moving to this new town, if you want to, wave to him when he leaves and don't look back. No one is worth all this drama and I didn't have to read half of your journal entry to figure that out. You deserve better!
Wick
I can feel your pain and I know this isn't easy for you. As an older woman who has divorced twice I would like you to know that they don't change. My first husband is still having affairs left and right and denies them. My second husband is homeless because his drinking and smoking became a priority. As hard as it may be you need to kick him to the curb and recognize that you deserve better. Your children deserve better. You are a strong woman and you need to prove this to yourself. Many hugs to you.
joycehu