Journal

What's it like Mom to lose your mind.  To know from time to time that you weren't here.  What is it like?

To know that you aren't in this time, this continuum? Why do you have to leave me.  Daddy left just a few years back and he left you to me.  He said to take care of your mother.  But you left everything to the daughter you don't even get along with and I can hear your sorrow in your voice.  I'm sorry you never saw me as the strong person that I am - the strength that I obviously got from you.  I could have carried you through this but you have her to do for you and little is what you'll get.

I had to move away from you and that town.  It was killing me and so were you.  You said I would never have and never be and treated me good when you got something out of it.  What's it like to lose your mind?

To go in and to go out of conscienciouness? To know and realize that you've been gone but have not gone anywhere.  What does a prideful woman do in a place like this?  To all of a sudden be under the supervision of others to be where I have always been.  To not be whole to only be part.  Coming in and going out.  Where do you go mom.  You act as though you've done too much meth.  Your behavior is so familliar.  But what have you done to deserve this.   To not remember.  To get so angry to be so slighted. To be ignored.  To be me.  Why for a woman with so much pride and such a strong mind is God doing this to you. It's not like you will learn from this.  It's not going to get better - only worse - you are leaving this worldly conscience little by little and sinking into an abyss that only the evil should know.  When will I see you again,Mom, another world, perhaps. No, I think not.  Who do I believe?  Who have you left to me.  You've taken and shunned becuase I wae like you are now.  Not whole.  Only part.  Left to only need.  Only take.  I had nothing to give and now you don't either.  Seems like medication should help.  It helped me but this disease you have that they aren't sure of is sucking the life out of you.  It's taking you farther and farther away.  And you know it.  That is what hurts me more than anything is that right now you know you are losing your mind. I know the feeling.  It's scary as hell.  But there is no return for you - do you know that.  A woman not known to smoke or drink and woman always on the straight and narrow never understanding the pllights of the little people - the little people like me.I can'tbelieve this is happening to my mommy.