My Son
September 20, 2009 3:06am
My son is attending a theraputic boarding school in up-state NY. Poor kid has been through hell and well he fell in with a bad crowd, and drugs. The …
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kellyeme
12:02am, February 18, 2009
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About Me
kellyeme
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About Me
So in love with my husband for well, all of my adult life married at 20 and 2 decades later its all over, no clue, he just left. He was unfaithful, I found out and that was it, and he blames me, somehow I caused it all? I am the most inherently flawed human on the planet, but I keep my promises and I will not betray your trust. Why is that not enough? We all mess things up at one pt. or another, but if you have someones best intentions? What more is there? I Can't promise perfection, just my best. am in the worst place yet. He filed. He hates me, I haven't evem seen him in almost a yr. we live in a town of 10, 000, we have 3 kids. I am not ok. I don't think I will ever be. I don't want to die as much as I don't want this life. Where do I go from here? No one will ever love me, I am so alone. I am nothing to him, he won't even email me much less speak, I didn't even know he felt this. I discovered his infidelity and he vanished, it's all my fault? If I had been worthy Daddy would'nt have had to leave. I know intellectually that's bull, but I think I defined my selfworth through him. I loved him, he was not kind to me for so long, but I didn't see it, I thought it was me I was the problem. No support emotionally, financially no relationship with our 3 kids beyond the occaisional cell phone call and nothing as far as me. He filed for the divorce a few weeks ago, and said I had drug this out long enough, I didn't want this I didn't leave, I stayed right where he left me in our home. When he filed for divorce my parents bought my kids and I an adorable little cottage home, it doesn't feel "small" its cozy and warm, not so much sq. footage but everyone has a room and I even like the closeness of our little house. My kids are so confused, I am a wreck, its real its happening and I can't stop it. My parents are picking up all expenses we can't afford, he pays no child support or daily living expenses nothing. My parents are financially well off and I thank God they are so generous to us, its as if we don't exist to my husband anymore. Our family is my problem and he just wants me to shut up and go away. I feel like I'm dying, it's not better yet, it just becomes more viscious more real more final, I don't know who I am anymore, he says I'm pathetic. I think I defined myself through him. How do you learn to define just you. I don't think I can. I feel like no one, nothing at all, no one will ever love me. Our kids are out of control, I am a mess and he is unconcerned and doesn't want to be bothered, just rid of me I thought at first but he doesn't even make an effort with our children. How do you do that, they are his as much as mine, but he is so detatched, like what do I expect, he's done, How? He wants to forget we exsist? His concern is his money, he gives nothing of himself not to me not to our kids. I don't know who I am. I am no one. Kellyeme I feel like such a fraud. I want to stop the divorce, I don't want it, what is wrong with me? I still don't think I can live without him, stockholm(?) syndrome.
So in love with my husband for well, all of my adult life married at 20 and 2 decades later its all over, no clue, he just left. He was unfaithful, I found out and that was it, and he blames me, somehow I caused it all? I am the most inherently flawed human on the planet, but I keep my promises and I will not betray your trust. Why is that not enough? We all mess things up at one pt. or another, but if you have someones best intentions? What more is there? I Can't promise perfection, just my best.
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Interests
Learning to live. Thanks to the kindness of so many strangers, who are now true friends has been my resolve, that ray of hope, God hasn't forgotten me at all He's right here working miracles, teaching us, carrying us and sending us loving compassionate people to help us along a hard road, Kellye
Learning to live. Thanks to the kindness of so many strangers, who are now true friends has been my resolve,
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Journal
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lost
June 27, 2009 8:56pm
I have lost everything. My son is being sent to a lock-down facility for troubled kids, he's into drugs, got busted and it's either this or …
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Blame
April 25, 2009 3:49am
even when you know you didn't do anything wrong, they still seem to get in our heads, telling us it was all our fault instead of taking …
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Hugbook
Little Love
Hello will be here for u if u mead to tock
Hug
Just because I thought you might need one.
Prayer
Hope your day is better, we are all here for you.
God Bless You
prayers sent Kelly, hugs.
Ray of Sunshine
Enjoy yourself its a summer time!
Little Love
Hugs for you today, I just want you to know you are not alone.
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Photos
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Support Groups
Close Breakups & Divorce
So in love with my husband for well, all of my adult life married at 20 and 2 decades later its all over, no clue, he just left. He was unfaithful, I found out and that was it, and he blames me, somehow I caused it all? I am the most inherently flawed human on the planet, but I keep my promises and I will not betray your trust. Why is that not enough? We all mess things up at one pt. or another, but if you have someones best intentions? What more is there? Can't promise perfection, just my best.
Treatments
- Forgiveness Too Soon to Tell
- So hurt, so blindsided, how do you deal w/ the fact that the most important person in your life suddenly reveals they don't care at all about you? My husband just vanished, from my life,we live in a town of 10,000, but he hasn't seen me in nearly a yr. We have 3 perfect children, yet our family is broken. Why? How?
- Love Considering
- I still love him, even after the infidelity the absence of a yr. from our family. Is there something wrong w/me?
- Support Groups Working / Worked
- The support I have received here is immeasurable. I'm still a wreck, but these people, who have never even laid eyes on me have been my rock. Thank you all
- Talking Working / Worked
- Wow, even if it is on the www. talking, sharing, the support and kindness of strangers whom I will likely never meet face to face, it's pulled me through, when I thought I was the only one, that no one could possibly understand, here I have found that understanding. We may not have the answers, but just knowing you are not alone is priceless.
Close Physical & Emotional Abuse
We need resources:descriptive analysis? explanation of emothinal/psychological abuse. We are stuck in this crazy cycle of rationalization, no one wants to belly ache, but I think that is exactly why it is so hard to admit the non-physical abuse is very real, just as real as but so inscidious, but it kills your soul, your core being, it is abuse,snd the damage is deadly serious I wanted to die.Trust your instincts, that's not being hysterical,I believed/interalized It is ongoing abusive torture.
Treatments
- Talking Working / Worked
- I am starting to see that I had created some alternate reality,sheer rationalization head long into near delusion.
Open ADHD / ADD
Never knew what was wrong with me, I am the definition of ADD!
Open TMJ
Many years struggling with TMJ pain, double TMJ replacement surgeries at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, 21 day pain rehab. program also at Mayo for chronic pain sufferers, basically they take away your meds and teach you to deal! Yoga, exercise, support, positive self talk, the concept seems so simple but implementing it everyday can get daunting. Pain is still there, it's better since the replacements but ever present to some degree, no pain meds anymore, but some days I want them back!
Open Smoking Addiction & Recovery
I have smoked on and off since I was a teenager, never smoked when I was pregnant or nursing, but always went back, at first just socially and then daily, going through a horrific divorce, and chain smoking like John Wayne. I need to quit, I just don't want to. How do you summon up the motivation to do what you KNOW you need to, quit this nasty habit!
Treatments
- Chantix Not Working
- Made me so depressed, and I had the nightmares they were terrifying.
- Cold Turkey Not Working
- Forget it!
- Nicotine Gum Somewhat Helpful
- I guess I am somewhat addicted to the "activity" of smoking. I wish there were a nicotine lolli-pop!
- Nicotine Patch Not Working
- I couldn't tell any difference in my urge to smoke
- Nicotrol Inhaler Somewhat Helpful
- Too embarrasing! I don't smoke in public, which of course keeps me home too much, but the inhaler is just embarrasing for me to use in front of people
- Willpower Not Working
- I keep procrastinating
Open Bereavement
Type: Loss of a ChildI have lost everything. My son is being sent to a lock-down facility for troubled kids, he's into drugs, got busted and it's either this or jail. I don't think I can make it, my baby gone, he doesn't know the program officials are coming for him at 6 am, they do not want me present because they are going to take him physically. My heart is breaking, to hell with my stbx, who reliquished his parental rights, this is my baby I can't save him from this, spent a week in a hospital mental exhaustion
Treatments
- Crying Not Working
- I can't stop crying, I am hopeless
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- I am not strong enough for this
- Support from Friends & Family Not Working
- everyone thinks I am over reacting, that I am only thinking of myself
- Talking Not Working
- no one to talk to
- Hospitalization Somewhat Helpful
- I am alone now
