avaava

About Me

I was the most popular kid in school which meant that the close friends that surrounded me were really mainly interested in leaching off my popularity rather that being attentive to my needs. I was just as mistaken as they, getting all caught up in the fame and fortune - I didn't think I needed true friends for support because I hadn't experienced any hardship yet. I had everything until my first love of 2.5 yrs turned on me, my friends sided with him (they were power hungry) and my fam wasn't there for me emotionally, they didn't acknowledge or understand the ego bashing I was going through and i guess there was a part of them saying thank god, now she can grow up and face reality. But instead I took a very long trip down hill and am still recovering 10 years later - yet I do honestly feel this is the last leg to being as free as you can from trauma (a point where food is not used to avoid the boredom and loneliness caused by avoiding human contact and social interaction for so long; a point where food is not used to mask negative emotions such as stress, fear or anger as this technique only feeds the problem and those negative emotions; a point where food is only used to maintain health and vitality). With pressure of final school year, loss of 'friends' and know one to turn to and myself unwilling and too proud to ask for support, I slipped into an extremely severe eating disorder. My plan was to maintain my stance as the untouchable miss popular and I achieved that for another four years. I was as slim and beautiful as the catwalk models, with money to spend and ambitions friends by my side. But this life, although heaps of fun, was unsustainable and I self destructed at 21 where I had many incidents' of perceived near death, epileptic fits internal organs not functioning, waking up numb, and I was being tested for leukemia as my emotional stress had developed into a biological immune disorder (yes, the mind has the power to affect the body's functioning and give you immune deceases where the body starts attacking itself, bacteria fighting cells start attaching the healthy cells ass well as the bad cells, essentially slowly killing the organism). I still have the disease but it doesn't affect my functioning and should not affect my life in any way apart from making me more vulnerable to disease. Hence, it becomes more important that I maintain health and vitality. I've not purged in the last four years which is an indication of the ability of the mind to restructure itself. Also I quit smoking a pack a day two years ago and have not had one since. I exercise and eat well sporadicly and my weight goes up 3-5kg one week and down the next - this is not healthy. I'm constantly tired and my body never has time to recover which makes me vulnerable to sickness! But most importantly, I operate in life at 50% level, perhaps because I'm scared of failure - It has been as is likely still my pattern to avoid trying to avoid failure so I can maintain my inflated sense of ego. I feel just writing this down has already helped me understand myself, who wants to action there plan with me, support and encouragement from people who understand is vital!

I was the most popular kid in school which meant that the close friends that surrounded me were really mainly interested in leaching off my popularity rather that being attentive to my needs. I was just as mistaken as they, getting all caught up in the fame and fortune - I didn't think I needed true friends for support because I hadn't experienced any hardship yet. I had everything until my first love of 2.5 yrs turned on me, my friends sided with him (they were power hungry) and my fam wasn't there